Dear All About Eve

Re: Martha’s Harbour

I recently ‘picked up’ your ‘eponymous long player’ quite by mistake at a car boot sale, thinking, quite understandably seeing that I had come out with the wrong spectacles, that it was the much sought-after replacement disc that I had been searching for since our “The Marilyn Collection” box-set was inexcusably returned to us incomplete by some now former Gala Bingo partners, Alicia and Nigel Saxtonhouse. On the plus side however, my wife Jean and I were delighted to find a job lot of ‘nearly new’ curtain fabric in the back of of a Peugout Partner which will be perfect for our conservatory. In addition, we are both now pleasantly surprised to be very fond of your maudlin ode to a biblical figure referencing boat storage cove, and its ‘stripped back arrangement’, although unfortunately after several exposures I now feel compelled to write to you outlining my concerns pertaining to its ‘lyrical content’.

Thanks to a particularly fallacious dithyramb as vocalised by your ‘lead singer’ I have had to spend some considerable time this morning (which was scheduled to be enjoyed relaxing with two soft-boiled eggs, a slice of Kingsmill and a repeat of Booze Patrol Australia on Watch TV) reassuring Jean that my occasional golfing weekends with my next-door but one neighbour Gordon Gilliard are just that. It is, thank heavens, patently clear to her on the other hand that I am anything but an organic coalescence contoured by the manifest abrasion of mistrals across an expanse of saline fluid comprising a vast majority of our planet’s hydrosphere. Sadly, it took until the Antipodean random breath test programme’s end credits before my wife could be convinced that in addition to not being an ocean wave (I am, in actual fact, a retired printer) I was, in addition, not your love.

It is also worthy of note that the enforcement of unpaid labour on sea vessels, much favoured by King Louis XIV as a means of on expanding his fleet, was last documented as being practised by the Barbary corsairs in the late 19th century, therefore in order for you to be a galley slave, as you attest, I am estimating that you would have had to have attained, at the very youngest, an age of 89 years at the time of your initially static appearance on television in 1988. If this is the case, then the BBC make up department are to be commended for the achievement of such a youthful presentation, and your inability to hear the music owing to your advancement in years is entirely understandable.

With regard to the last observation, you may be interested to learn that we recently invited our friends Wilf and Olive Turnbull to Philpott Place for a ‘Top Of The Pops Evening’, in which we re-enacted many memorable moments from the show’s history.

These included Wilf writing the words to ‘Shaddap Your Face’ in marker pen onto the reverse side of some old wallpaper blue tacced to his new Toshiba 46” inch TV screen and encouraging us to sing along while he pointed to them with an extended steel tape measure, and the four of us tearing up pre-printed A4 photocopies of John Travolta before launching into Rat Trap, replete with Olive blowing into a slightly opened folding brolley to compensate for our failure to procure a candelabra saxophone. We then went out to the back garden for three minutes to replicate the refusal of the The Clash to take part, but by far the most authentic homage of the evening was to your good selves, whereby Jean and I sat on the high breakfast bar stools in our kitchen, draped in the material we purchased at the same time as your CD, looking at each other quizzically for a full 86 seconds after Wilf had put it on in the front room.

Notwithstanding this awkward broadcast, which we all concede to be no fault of your own, Jean, Wilf, Olive and I all wish you all the best in your future endeavours but would recommend that all upcoming concerts be of a pre-recorded nature!

Yours sincerely


Derek Philpott



Reply from Julianne Regan


From the desk of:

Ms Julianne Regan,



Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Dear Mr. Philpott,


You cannot imagine the delight and relief I felt at receiving your missive. Do bear with me while I contextualise this for you!

Less than one month ago, my countryseat was burgled. I was up in London on important business, id est. discussing the possibility of an appearance on the once popular television show,


To see Ms. Regan's full response click here to pre-order your copy of ''Dear Mr. Kershaw - A Pensioner Writes''



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