Dear Bauhaus


The memory is admittedly going a bit but I think I would have recalled any tradition or practice pertaining to airborne mammals vacating chime containing obelisks in protest at or in acknowledgement of the passing on of seminal 1930s horror film A-Listers.

If, however, the bats have left the bell tower on account of the fact that they were Bela Legosi's pets and he was their sole source of food, and although their departure is perfectly understandable, one wonders why this deceased celebrity / domesticated creature departure trend has not been continued in other 'Gothic Rock' pop songs?

'Ronnie Corbett's Dead (The Cats Have Left The Kitchen)' and 'George Burns Is Dead' (The Rabbits Have Left The Conservatory) could potentially be very popular, although ''Charlie Chaplin's Dead (The Koi Have Left The Fish Pond)'' may not chart, owing to the impracticality of such a carp self-evacuation.*


We sincerely hope that you are not subject to any power cuts round your way at the moment resultant of your having to pen your reply alone in a darkened room, and that this missve does not cause you to wish to administer to us a kick in the eye



Derek Philpott & Son


*Examples for illustration only - we have no idea if the said passed-on personalities owned these pets



Dear Mister Filthpot and spawn,

Regarding ‘the bats’: I assure you that the lyrical description of the mass exodus of said winged mammals is somewhat tangential to the subject of the paean in question and not an essential component. Consider its inclusion in the threnody as merely serving the purpose of atmospheric colour rather than the significant subtitle in parentheses which you erroneously perceive.

Furthermore, if you truly insist on being pedantic then perhaps a more valid criticism might have been leveled in regard to the referenced attire of the vampiric protagonist, namely the ‘black cape’ which admittedly would no doubt be more accurately described as ‘a cloak’ given its luxuriant length and quality / style evident in Mr. Lugosi’s legendary portrayal of Count Dracula.

Thank you for your concern vis-a-vis power cuts but rest assured, the occurrence of such would be considered a trifle in these parts as one’s preferred locale for writing missives such as this and indeed the penning of ‘Gothic Rock’ pop songs is indeed a sepulchral dwelling replete with feathered quill and the blood of virgins in the ink well.

In conclusion I think that it would be fair to state that it is not only your memory which is lacking but also your understanding as to the very nature of He whom you address!

Vampirically yours,


The Undertaker


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