Dear Black Grape

Re: Kelly's Heroes

I was recently dragged along (almost literally, I have ongoing sciatica) by some younger friends to the Queens Park Hotel on Holdenhurst Road for the 'karaoke night' and was subjected to, amongst many other renditions, a particularly excruciating 'version' of one of my favourite Billy Joel songs by a burly man in tracksuit bottoms and a Prodigy T-Shirt.

As it transpired, young Mike, with whom I enjoyed a medium Merlot afterwards, partly constructed from your band name, worked for the emergency services and was, in his own words, 'one of Dorset's premier house extinguishers and kitten/tree problem solvers', rendering his 'Firestarter' torso emblazonment and off-kilter ''We Didn't Start The Fire'' rendition paradox to be in actuality most amusing.

I mention this incident, my darkened berry friends, merely because, despite your request that I ''don't talk to you about heroes'' I feel that I must, specifically with reference to your implied disdain that most of these men sing like serfs.

I am not ashamed to assure you of this, my ebony pre-raisin pals.

Were I to be in a burning building such as my own, and Mike and indeed any of his courageous colleagues, were to attend with a view to extracting me from said bungalow blaze, I, for one would not refuse them a likely axe-wielded entry onto my conflagrant premises upon the grounds of their inadequate vocal abilities being reminiscent of a feudal system restrained agricultural labourer. Furthermore, Black Grape, I fail to fathom how a perceived class strata may be able to determine one's ability to be endowed with the gift of competent chantability at the point of birth.

One is confident that this confusion is shared by David Essex, Joe Longthorne, and their dedicated followers.

Also, although both were men of principle who grew up without brothers or sisters, devoid of the physical support of both parents, and became intent on righting wrongs whilst garnering strong support, I was alarmed but then relieved to hear you blaspheme but then almost immediately retract your irreverent impiety that Jesus was Batman.

Finally my ebony fruit amigos, and in answer to your rather fervid enquiry as to who has the biggest, the biggest brain, luckily this came up at the Quiz Night at The Commodore on Overcliff Road last week. It is that of the sperm whale, which weighs in at around 8 kilograms, followed by the elephant and then the bottlenose dolphin

I hope that I have been of assistance.




Derek Philpott

P.S. Although on the whole one agrees that it is great to be straight ('yeah') I am not entirely sure that my friend Nigel Saxtonhouse would entirely concur with this philosophy at the moment. He has been very 'Stupid Stupid Stupid' and not had his Astra serviced for three years, and the steering column went just as he approached the Boundary Lane roundabout last week.




Reply from Kermit Leveridge received 14/5/2015


Dear Mr Philpott

With regard to your recent enquiry as to the reason we obsidian berried chums hold such disdain for heroes, I refer you back to our original compact disc where we state - quite vigorously - " DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT HEROES"

To receive your letter which totally disregards our


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