Dear Captain Sensible

As recently explained to another popstar, I was in my younger days compulsorily enlisted into National Service in Singapore prior to my apprenticeship as a proofer. My immediate overseer, Sergeant Barraclough was, very much like yourself, Captain Sensible (in nomenclature at least), a very careful commissioning officer, and, also like yourself, if one of your 'solo hits' is anything to go by, somewhat hard of hearing,

My balanced commander's partial deafness, however, was the result of a perforated eardrum sustained whilst seeing action in Sudan in 1943, as opposed to exposure to his own over-amplified 'punk rock music' at numerous 'gigs'.

Furthermore, if an address would ever be directed to what he fondly referred to as his 'wrong side' the prudent superior would respond, accompanied by way of a pained expression and jabbed finger to his left lobe, with a polite request for the comment or inquiry to be repeated into the other side of his head, after which he would normally be happy to talk. The manner of the verbal appeal would vary between "Pardon?", "Excuse me?", "Sorry but I didn't quite catch that, Private", and "Come on now sunshine, you know that lughole is a waste of time". Upon no occasion that I said "Sergeant", he said "What?", or when I said "Sergeant", "What do you want?" With the passage of time, I am quite certain that, subliminally or otherwise, the reasoned disciplinarian's eloquence, as befitting his public school education, was instrumental in nurturing respect throughout the entire ranks of 85 Survey Squadron.


In order to earn similar kudos amongst your 'following' therefore, my advice to you, Captain Sensible, and indeed all other pragmatic four-stripers, is to take a leaf out of our own judicious authority figure's book and refrain from monosyllabic or brusque retorts on all future 'novelty releases'.




Derek Philpott



Reply from Capatin Sensible, received 14/4/2014


Dear Derek

Wot! Yes... It's a trifle repetitive Derek, but I am in fact attempting to sing in character - as the 'pile-driver man'... the one with the extremely noisy contraption that wakes me up at some ungodly hour in a


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