Dear Mr. Hawkes

Our neighbours Wilf and Olive enjoy your pop classic, ''I Am The One And Only'' so much that they decided to send a message on 'Facebook' to express their admiration via your 'other folder'. However, there appear to be 68 of you. They are now a bit confused.

Whilst writing, I hope you will not mind my disclosing I could not help but observe an egregious inconsistency between a 'central lyric' and the promotional video accompanying your 'inspirational teen anthem', which requires effusive elucidation. You state that you ''can't wear this uniform without some compromise'' because I will l find out that ''we come in different shapes and sizes''.

I am nonplussed, Mr. Hawkes, and we have been thusfar unable to determine from 'Google Images' any armed forces unit, paramilitary organization, security firm, emergency service, educational facility, or fast food outlet whose personnel, students or employess are non-variantly and identically identifiable by denim jeans and an open-necked shirt patterned in a style not unredolent of the duvet cover in our spare room, or, indeed how such unconventional and informal or 'casual' regalia could be in any way non-concessionary purely on the basis of varying human contours and scale.

On a lighter theme, I am pleased to note that we have something in common in that we have both ''been a player in the crowd scene''. As I recently explained to Mr. Le Bon, who in his song 'Rio’ claims to have seen me on the beach and seen me on TV; whilst the former is likely given that I am often to be found on Bournemouth Seafront, the latter has only occurred once, when I was briefly witnessed as an uncredited extra in Softly, Softly circa 1968. If, as he inferred, he had a VHS cassette of this episode, I would be keen to borrow it to show it to our Tuesday night Gala bingo partners who sadly do not believe me.

Unfortunately thusfar, no response has been forthcoming.

I appreciate your invitation to call you by your name, call you by number to both compliment you upon your 'sound' and discuss the issues above-mentioned, however feel that such an approach could be construed as conducive to unjustifiable overfamiliarity, besides which no landline or cellular specifics are noted on any of your many numerous 'profiles'.

I therefore look forward to a more conventional, textual response at your earliest convenience



Derek Philpott (and Wilf Turnbull)


Reply from Chesney Hawkes received 30/4/2015


Dear Derek and Wilf

Thank you kindly for your very in-depth and insightful letter.

As you more than likely know, you probably should have addressed this particular correspondence to the very talented and surreal lyrical bard, Nik Kershaw, as the song in question was penned him. Him and him alone. You could say that he was the one and only person involved with the writing of said song. (Not that, having read alot of your writings, you would be as obvious with your literary puns).

That said - 


Your reference to 'coming in different shapes and sizes' touched a nerve with me. You may or may not know that for some years I have been working under the radar with a number of like minded folk to counteract the damaging effects of the movement against obesity that now dominates this country's thinking. I have therefore gone out to libraries, bingo halls on occasion, and also at times delivering my message from a soap box with the aid of a portable public address system (PA in the modern jargon), most recently in Whitehaven in the north west of the country where I was warmly cheered by a small but appreciative audience made up of four sheep farmers, their dogs and six rugby players.


My campaign is've guessed it...we come in different shapes and sizes...and my mission will not have been completed until there is universal acknowledgement that we are indeed entitled to 'come in whatever different shapes and sizes we choose. It's perhaps early days but, who knows, there might be a 'different shapes and sizes' political party one day. No? You don't think so?

Yours with High Hopes,





©2009-2014 Dawson-Rice | Website designed with the splendid help of Oast One.