Dear China Crisis

Jean had friends over for a cream tea last week and, as is traditional on such occasions, was insistent upon me fetching out her prized fifteen piece fine bone paragon ''Tree of Kashmir'' crockery set from out of the larder in order that she may be the poshest hostess possible. After they were all seated in the lounge however we found to our utter dismay that the insides of all the cups were stained with unsightly Oolong ''tide marks''.

We could only conclude that we must have taken them out of the dishwisher before we’d switched it on after her last party.

To make matters worse, the fuse then went on the kettle and we were forced to boil the water manually on the hob and make do with the enamel mugs normally reserved for picnics.

We found it very poignant therefore that you should come on the radio at the very moment that we were frantically attempting to make the gathering ''Good Again'', to further emphasize that my wife and I we were now quite literally ''Working with Fire and Steel'' in recompense for our very own china crisis. So profoundly did the synchronism affect us that we vowed to ''check'' your ''back catalogue'' as soon as Jean’s guests finally departed, thus bestowing upon us ''The Gift of Freedom''. Sadly however, when we did, and despite our combined ''Strength Of Character'', our desire to be entertained devoid of a "Feel To Be Driven Away" unfortunately transpired to be "One Wish Too Many".

I am not sure, my perilous East Asian instability homaging friends, if you remember the man that scaled Buckingham Palace’s perimeter wall and ''on the up and up'' got into the highness of the Queen’s bedroom in the 1980s, whereby he deprived Her Majesty of dropping off properly into a full night’s sleep. Despite its not displeasing melody and especially the pan pipes at the beginning, Jean and I were horrified to learn from Spotify that you had mimicked this very trespass by also presumably intruding into a Royal bedchamber and rousing a snoozing Soverign. Irrespective of the monarch’s prevailing religious or cosmopolitan fashionings, it can only be concluded that to stir the drowsing Head of State at such close quarters must have involved a breach of security.

Jean did postulate that the exhortation ''Wake up, wake up, King in a catholic style'' was perhaps directed towards Mr. Mark King from the splendid Level 42, however I was able to verify from his charming wife Ria just now, with whom I am on ''tweeting terms'', that the esteemed gentleman is an atheist immune to the latest eclectic trends. My son David, who is well versed in Heavy Metal matters, has also risen to your defence, contending that you may be referring to King Diamond from Merciful Fete, and cites your reference to his ''Man Make-Up'' as unassailable substantiation. Although his hypothesis is undeniably compelling, it must be borne in mind that until his early twenties he was resolute in his belief, instilled in him by somebody at school, that Kendo Nagasaki was Bruce Lee underneath, who had faked his own death and subsequently let himself go.  

In conclusion therefore, and considering that publicising your exalted personage abode encroachment through the pop charts has hardly protected it as the ''Best Kept Secret'', I urge you, in order to be "Safe as Houses" in the long run, to surrender yourselves to the authorities immediately. With luck, sufficient time has passed since the obtrusive ruler slumber disturbance, for the law to be lenient and spare you the experience of "Everyday the Same" in a custodial environment.

I wish you luck and remain,



Derek Philpott


Dear Derek

Thank you for your letter and concern over the plight of China Crisis, and please let me attempt to put some of your "Ghosts" to rest.


Hold on was that Japan China Crisis? Oops, mustn't stray, let's get "right down the tracks" here.


Anyhow, I can only imagine your dear wife Jean was only doing the "Christian" thing in inviting guests to your home for afternoon tea, and who could ever envisage such a "tragedy and mystery" would ensue with your finest china, but at the risk of upsetting you I have to say this is all her own doing - no one should ever put their finest china in a dishwasher, and I can't help but think if you'd only married a lady called "Hanna Hanna" we would not be having this conversation now.

I am also very aware of the incident you allude to in the 80s regarding our Monarch, and can state in all confidence that just being born in Liverpool does not entitle us all to a record deal; even if some of those records may be criminal, to even think the law would be lenient given the passage of time on any given crime is just "Wishful Thinking" on your behalf.





Eddie Lundon

China Crisis






With Thanks to Alison Marrs

©2009-2014 Dawson-Rice | Website designed with the splendid help of Oast One.