Dear Christie

In my younger days I was a keen swimmer, and ''Every Now And Then'' could be found breast-stroking at the local baths after clocking off, relishing being ''Inside Looking Out'' at the greenery of the local surroundings. Even ''As The Years Go By'' I can still distinctly recall remarking to myself that ''When The Work Is Through'" there really is no better way to unwind before going back to the place that I love, meaning, at the time, a single apartment in Boscombe

The only thing that marred my lengths was the rumour that I once heard whilst rinsing my trunks, from a couple of attendants who were unaware of my presence. The Local Authority were apparently considering introducing a clear chemical into the pool which would react to the increasing issue of people 'powdering their noses' or 'seeing men about dogs' in the water, to form coloured billowings directly linking the resultant release to the culprit's excessive relaxation.

It was not so much the non-retentive dipper revelation that I found disturbing, but more the fact that until the intended dye was approved, and 'leak' invisibility continued, all I would have, if you will pardon the pun, 'to go on' would be the facial expressions of shifty relief in the deep end.

It ought be noted that at no time did the hue of the water alter to betray any mass 'emptying of the downstairs tank', so to speak, and that the ''Big Pool'' measured around 100 x 50 feet. If there was any consolation, therefore, it was that any unsanitary dilution would at least be rectangularly contained.

I was therefore utterly horrified to learn from the wireless of the unfettered off-green stream which, after a salaried skirmish of some sort, you are inexplicably intending to venture towards today. If said copious flow has been so relieved into that the corrupting pigment has actually resulted in a ''Yellow River'' I am dumbfounded as to its appeal, although am unsurprised to learn that the nights were cool close to its banks. More importantly and, with regard to your stating that it is in your eyes and, inexplicably, in your blood, it is heartily recommended that you wash them out thoroughly with saline solution and consult a reputable haematologist with a view to securing a thorough or partial transfusion as soon as possible, in order that your being so glad that you are alive may not prove to be temporary delight.

Please also ensure that when indeed you do ''fill your glass high'' the task is conducted well away from said sullied tributary.

I wish you the best of luck, gentlemen, and sincerely hope that your only contact with public 'number ones' in the future is via "Just One More Chance" at the pop charts. For heaven's sake, Christie, if it is to be a re-release of "Peace Lovin Man' I implore your diction in the pronunciation of the words in the title to leave no room for misinterpretation whatsoever. ''I've Got A Feeling'' that ''Everything's Gonna Be Alright Only'' only if you ''Help Me Please'' with this one simple request.



Derek Philpott


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