Dear Cutting Crew

Re: I (Just) Died In Your Arms

I must say that I am utterly dumbfounded by the above statement. Aside from being grammatically dubious, it simply cannot be true. I am certain that I would recall such a grisly incident; in addition, Jean would have been most alarmed to witness my return from an evening in your company holding a male corpse. As for 'something I said' being the cause of your demise I would simply state that even a rudimentary grasp of biology would give lie to your assertion that one can pass away from being spoken to while hugged.

In addition, I can only infer that you believe your vocal delivery to be posthumous, and I am unwilling to entertain such a ghostly notion. In future, I suggest that you title your pop "hits" more carefully, in order to create a more authentic scenario.

Failing this, I would recommend that you become hairdressers, perhaps specialising in “crew cuts”; during quiet periods it would be possible to rehearse your harmonies, rather like a modern-day "barber shop choir". I personally would visit such an establishment in the Summer months, providing that your "haircuts" were of a similar standard to your splendid vocals.


Derek Philpott



Dear Derek,

Thank you for your kind and overt letter but I fear you may have misunderstood...I wasn’t actually referring to you, but to a regular lady customer in our salon with the last booking of the day at 9pm.

The “something she said'' she wanted, was a stupidly huge amount of hair spray on the new 'beehive' style I had fashioned for her that evening and suddenly I fell and completely passed out from the fumes!!

I know as a trained expert "I should have walked away" but was eventually and thankfully resuscitated in time. Contrary to popular belief, I did not die that night!!!!


As regards to yourself, we promise to get the scissors out and would love to discuss further shampoo and styling ideas.


As is the case with my own in-house stylist, you will be pleased to know that there is a discount for us with less hair “


Nick v E

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