Dear Department S

Re: Is Vic There?


''The night is young, the mood is mellow
And there's music in my ears
Say, is Vic there?
I hear ringing in the air
So I answer the phone
A voice comes over clear
Say, is Vic there?''


You will no doubt recognise the above as the pivotal and, indeed, only lyrics to your splendid 'New Wave Telephone Enquiry''.


I am sorry, Department S, but ''Going Left Right'' in the scanning of said text, I do not really know where to start.


Whilst the time of day and ambience outlined are not subject to debate, the fact that there is music in your ears is a clear indication that your call has been placed on hold or that you are in an automated queuing system. Therefore, if you will forgive me, to enquire as to Victor(ia)'s whereabouts of a taped recording is somewhat futile


To then make no reference to replacing the receiver and yet hearing and responding to the ringing of an incoming call from a person ALSO attempting to locate the self same person is most perplexing.

We really do need to clear this up, chaps, and in the meantime, considering that all in proximty to the device are clearly visible when an invitation is accepted, thus rendering similar enquiries unnecessary, I would recommend Skype as a far more economical and effective distance communication method.





Derek Philpott



Reply from Department S, received 29/4/2015




It's the eternal quest for man's longing to find his inner self exasperated by the trauma of the modern techno industrial age.....are we not all searching for our own Vic?. But alas, the author of the fine but frugally penned words in the aforementioned song is no longer with us to add testimony to what might be their deeper inner meanings.

So it is to those of us


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