Dear Edwyn Collins
Re: Rip It Up
I was sorry to hear on the radio today of your obvious grapplings with the present age.
Allow me, Mr. Collins, ''In A Nutshell'', to elaborate.
It would appear, unless I am ''Running Away With Myself'', that, not unlike your pop friend Mr. Frame, you appear to be using long outdated devices to achieve tasks now so efficiently improved upon by modern technology, which, can not only produce ''Everything and More'' than is required, but does so in an ecologically-friendly and non-complicated fashion. (Incidently, my neighbour Wilf Turnbull and I would be most interested to see an "Aztec Camera", as we had always believed it to be a more recent invention. Perhaps you should both visit our friend Gordon Gilliard, who claims to have a "Viking Microwave" and a "Norman Betamax", but is, on the other hand, well known for his ''Out Of This World'' exaggerations).
It is abundantly evident, Sir, from the error pursuant sheet-shredding repeatedly referred to in your ''proto-indie smash'', that your blundered writings are being out-poured onto paper via the conduit of a primitive laptop, ergo a typewriter, or, even more archaic, the times you would take a pen and feel obliged to start again.
I am therefore delighted to inform you at this ''Testing Time" that for less than £100 one is now able to be invest in a used Dell Inspiron, which, in addition to enabling people to laugh at short films of strangers falling over and kittens running into things, includes a space age typewriter. If a mistake is made when tapping out a word or sentence and before the goof reaches the printed page, a simple utilisation of the 'Control' and 'Z' keys on your new computer keyboard will erase it immediately without recourse to sticky substances such as Tipp-Ex (which may well cause your arms to stick like glue to your sides if utilised in a copious and slapdash manner) and/or A4 wastage.
If it is any consolation Sir, you do not appear to be the only pop star discovering such innovations more than ''20 Years Too Late''. The Moody Blues, in order to create more space in their houses, rather than writing letters that they are never meaning to send, are obviously not yet aware that they would be far better off composing the pointless missives as emails which can then be saved to the 'Draft Folder' .
Hopefully this correspondence missive will demonstrate that I really am not as dumb as I make out!
Now, if you will excuse me, I for some inexplicable reason feel the need to cease writing and pour myself a nice glass of Sunny Delight.
Yours with utmost respect and fondness
Derek Philpott (with help from Wilf Turnbull)