Dear Fuzzbox

Re: Pink Sunshine

 

Whilst watching the new Dr. Who earlier after hearing your Thunderbirds record at the hairdresser’s, Jean wondered whether you had named yourself after the T.A.R.D.I.S., or, to be more accurate, not the "Out Of This World" time machine itself but its perceived exterior. If so, she mused that equally catchy police colloquialism enclosure examples could have included 'Copper Kiosk', 'Bobby Booth', 'Rozzer Receptacle', 'Constable Cubby', 'Nick Nook', or 'Plod Pod'.


We have not long relocated back up to London, Fuzzbox, for your ''full information'', and only when packing for the removal van did it dawn on us just how much bric a brac we had accumulated in our old house. Rather than take it up the dump however we decided to put as much as we could on a popular online auction site and ''Wait And See'' if we could make a couple of pounds. I have just about got the hang of it of late. That said, after leaving ''positive feedback'' for a particularly well-packaged Winston Churchill Toby Jug received not too long ago, and ‘asked’ by Ebay where I ''would like to go next'', I did admittedly waste forty five minutes trying to find a ''The Eye Of The Tiger for a chicken dopiaza then Wetherspoons for a quick half of Sixpoint Bengali'' option to click on.


Unfortunately, although all of the unwanted items did successfully find eager buyers, I forgot to press that they were collection only. Therefore, acknowledging the non-negotiable ''Rules and Regulations'' and ''facing up to the fact'' that I had little option, rather than use a copious amount of bubblewrap, masking tape and parcel paper and still be ''Walking On Thin Ice'' in expecting them not to be damaged in transit, other than to issue a refund to all winning bidders.


In conclusion, and considering that a Qualcast Electric Rotary Lawnmower, Toronto XXL Charcoal Barbecue Grill With Double Side Tables and Toshiba 28W8DBA 28" widescreen Dolby Pro Surround Television cannot by any stretch of the imagination be stuffed into luggage normally set aside for long holidays. one must surmise that to attempt to follow your advice and ''go fill my suitcase with the things I haven't sold'' would be foolhardy.


I hope you will forgive my stating that, however much you may vainly attempt to ''Console Me'', Jean and I are unlikely to heed any further impractical unvended merchandise storage or indeed any advice that you may seek to to impart in the future. Although we had no ''Preconceptions'' regarding the validity of your counsel, our suspicions should have perhaps been aroused upon seeing the lady in the static sportscar in your promotional video who clearly had mauve spectacles on, which would surely render any visual interpretation of solar refraction as of a pinkish hue.


Yours

 

 

Derek Philpott

 

 

Reply from Vix Perks, received 14/3/2016

 

 

My Dear Uncle Derek,

 

Thank you kindly for your loquacious letter detailing your problems selling, packaging and posting unwanted electrical items and bric-a-brac in a modern world obsessed with complex online transactions. May I suggest that you and Jean would be more suited to selling your, um… ‘goods’ via ‘old skool’ methods, namely at a car boot sale?

 

In fact, I can highly recommend a rather special one on Sundays, and the occasional Bank Holiday Monday should that better suit your social calendar. It is just outside of Tipton and is run by a mate of a mate of Ozzy Osbourne’s uncle. Oh yes, it is indeed frequented by many a local celebrity (including myself)! He tells me that E.L.O.’s Jeff Lynne once set up a stall flogging a Betamax video recorder, a fake Samurai sword and an immaculate box set of Famous Five books. The recorder became a quite a talking point and unfortunately, a bone of contention, spawning rumours as to whether it was actually in good working order. Since there was no source of electricity to test the machine, this remained unsold, until he signed said items and a deal was struck - a tenner all in!

 

So you see, not only can this be a lucrative hobby, but you would be amazed by what you can find there! Apparently, on the run up to Christmas, Noddy Holder and Roy Wood left their be-tinselled stalls unattended and almost came to blows fighting over a rare Christmas Compilation album in the bargain bucket. It caused such a scene, with tufts of hair flying everywhere! They even knocked over John Taylor’s (of Duran Duran) stall, breaking the handle off the teapot from his Charles and Diana commemorative tea set (which could have fetched £20 had the right customer come along – and had the saucers been present). It was a good job that Laura Mvula was there to call time! Nobody was a victor in this situation though… They had to concede to handing said album over to John, along with some random signed memorabilia from UB40, Jamelia etc, plus an additional £5.70 each, by way of compensation for breakages. It’s anything but dull, I can tell you! You may find it puzzling why a busy Brummie gal would venture out to the far reaches of the Black Country on a regular basis, but I was certainly glad I did when I found not only umpteen Fuzzbox shaped discs and MsChiefs live gig bootlegs, but also a handheld video made by a fan who had believed what he read in The Sunday Sport and was clearly in search of my Fuzzbox. But don’t take my word for it; ask Horace Panter of The Specials, who can often be found on his hands and knees rummaging under the tables, digging out old cassette tapes to inspire artwork.

 

Should you take my sound advice to visit this most excellent and legendary car boot sale with its plethora of paraphernalia, I strongly advise that you take the option of bringing a packed lunch and a thermos of coffee/tea with you, along with a couple of fold-out chairs (not deck chairs; you’ll never get back out of them) and your tartan blanket. Forget your golfing umbrella and pac-a-mac-in-a-sac at your peril! The West Midlands, contrary to popular belief, is not strictly speaking ‘up north’ (although I cannot deny that it is north of Scratchwood); it is in the middle of our country. The weather stations may well promise some big salvation, however if anything, the weather is a little less clement than ‘dahn sahf’.

 

My one and only bug-bear with this car boot sale is that the on-site catering is basically (and I do mean basic) bacon and/or sausage butties. As a vegetarian I have no problem with the ‘butties’ element of these culinary offerings, in truth I do love a good chip butty, but clearly the choice between bacon and/or sausage is no real choice at all. This renders my 10% discount VIP card (‘Perks’ of the job you see!) utterly useless; the discount is only on food. Undoubtedly, ‘dahn sahf’ would boast a greater range of cuisine, including vegetarian and vegan options.

 

Anyway, I digress. Back to the matter in hand…

 

As for my previous assertion, nay instruction in Pink Sunshine to “go fill your suitcase with the things you haven't sold”, I must concede that this is no longer the advice that I would give. Times have changed and I now recognise this information as being naïve and overly optimistic. I reminisce about those fuzzy days when I had less cares and less things to pack. You will also be aware of our various stints on shows like Crackerjack and Saturday Superstore in which it was commonplace to participate in wacky games, such as seeing how many people could pack into a Mini, or how many sundry items could be stuffed in a suitcase, or held in one’s arms. These days, I wouldn’t dream of going anywhere with just one lone case anyway. At the very least, an additional piece of coordinated hand luggage would be essential. As Jean will no doubt concur, it is unrealistic for a lady of certain years to travel without a full range of clothing options and of course, miscellaneous items.

 

In conclusion, youth’s idyllic notion of travelling light is no longer a practical option that I would promote or pursue. I do hope I have been of some assistance and enlightenment. Hope to see you next Bank Hol at the celeb car boot! I wish you a Pink Sunshine-y day!

 

 

With True Love (aah-aah) True Love (aah-aah) from ViX ‘Fuzzbox’ of W.G.A.F.A.W.G.U.I.!!

 

 

 

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