Dear Mr. Deane, Modern Romance,

As a fan of any international cuisine incorporating the piquant heterogeneous mix, and one who sometimes frequents the South Woodford district to visit relatives, I was delighted to hear of this new vibrant Caribbean eaterie, ''Everybody Salsa'' of which you joyfully enthuse on Top of The Pops 2, especially given that it ''ain't Puerto Rico, but London E18.''

One’s only reservation is that the otherwise splendid Latino lounge is one of those confounded ''pop-up cafes'', as hinted at in your declaration that the Carnival is moving and that it is spirit and not location which is the essence of its theme.

If on the other hand, my newfangled fling fashioned friend, your’urban mambo classic’ refers not to the tangy relish but instead a regional dance style much loved by an autonomous meglomanicial tyrant, then, regrettably we have no desire to ‘to join you in your dream’ at this present time. No oppressive regime, instigator or overlord, irrespective of its rhythmic gyrational preferences is ‘hip’, Modern Romance, be it Franco’s Flamenco fondness, Stalin’s penchant for the balalaika driven Barynya, Benito’s Tarantella soft spot (No No No No Mu-ssy!) or in your case, Castro, who loved to salsa in a cool dictator scene.

We require your response soon Sir as if this is a continental eaterie we would like to book a table before it shuts down and ''unfolds elsewhere''. Can you move, can you move us to the top of your priorities as soon as, and brighten up our day?



Derek Philpott (and Son)



Dear Mr Derek Philpott & Son Heung-min

Thank you for your undated missive concerning my Latino themed 80’s pop ditty ‘Everybody Salsa’. You are correct in your initial assumption. The tune is, in fact, an elongated remix of a jingle composed by myself to promote my restaurant of the same name. It is not however a ‘Caribbean eaterie'. We spit in the face of jerk chicken and throw rice and peas at the elderly. If we get so much as a glimpse of Levi Roots my staff have orders to shoot on sight.

Here at Everybody Salsa we are all about dining Brazilian stylee. Which I should point out does not mean our waitresses have shaven pudenda. Well they might. I have no legal way of knowing. No, we are a meat based emporium that specialises in grilling the finest churrasco over an open wood fire and serving it at your table from artisanal skewers fashioned from reclaimed piston rods and other old bits of tut we found laying around. Each cut is served with our legendary chimichurri salsa, made from cilantro, parsley, oregano, chilli, garlic and just the merest hint of



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