Dear Gwen Stefani

Re: If I Was A Rich Girl

Whilst pruning my Black Chokeberry today, which is an actual bush, unlike the imitation 'grunge' specimen 'fronted' by your husband, I heard your aspirational Capitalism-demolishing 'floor-filler' on Bournemouth's peerless Wave FM. Let us examine the consequences of your having all the money in the world, as outlined within it.

Your possession of all paper currency as legal tender would render it both pointless and impossible as a means of trade, on the basis that you would have all of it. You would then likely be branded an outcast by all 'advanced' societies who will 'No Doubt' place the collapse of the planet's financial system firmly at your doorstep, disgruntled by the fact that a fresh alternative trading system, perhaps through a radical new medium of exchange or a Multi-Coloured Swap Shop style bartering, would need to be developed. This may well leading to your destitution and death.

Indeed you proceed to dismantle your narcissistic ideal in one fell couplet which details your building of a property portfolio, to include the acquisition of a 'fancy house in London Town'. Ergo, although you would initially be the sole possessor, through circumstances unknown, of all Earth lucre, your vile monopoly would be dispersed even before contracts relating to the swanky mews had been exchanged. This is purely because a modicum of your onerous wealth, however meagre, would have been by this time proliferated between The Land Registry and your surveyor, assuming that you have not been so foolhardy as to forego a Deed examination which may unveil plans to build a motorway through an en-suite bathroom, or the commissioning of a 'Homebuyer's' Report in order to expose defects which may lead to crippling future structural repair bills if left to unfetter. Indeed, upon completion of what will presumably be a cash purchase, thus by-passing brokerage fees and those imposed by a mortgagor (to say nothing of subsequent monthly repayments), further dissipation would have spread to your solicitor, assuming that you have not undertaken the conveyancing yourself, and the Inland Revenue in the likely event that the bricks and mortar value has exceeded that exempt from the levy of Stamp Duty. To downscale my point, why, even a trip to the 'drugstore' to buy a 'candy bar' would see your however many cents disseminated between the shopkeeper, his electricity, water and gas suppliers, and the manufacturer of the sweet-meat.

May I suggest that, although entitled to your trilled debauchery. it may be wise for any future economic scenerios publicised through the pop-charts to be quantifiable and not liable to collapse at the merest hypothetical application. Unless the above can be adhered to, you may be well advised to take a leaf out of your own canon and 're-visit' the sage sentiments of your flamenco breakthrough. 'Don't Speak'



Derek Philpott


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