Dear Heaven 17

We heard your advertising jingle on Absolute 80s and although we have tried to understand are sadly at a loss as to the nature of this offer that cannot be ignored.

That both propositions are carved by another's hand, elicit ''Temptation' on the part of the would-be consumer, could give one a breakdown if faulty and have never been closer (presumably in terms of a launch date) is not open to question, our numerically Shangri-La monickered friends.

There, however, the parallels sadly end, in that:

Item 1 leaves no track (a revolutionary improvement on previous designs) and keeps climbing higher and higher, both step by step and day by day, suggesting impressive durability

Item 2 boasts unacceptably featured (in terms of unpredictable characteristics) adorable creatures whereby trouble is coming, you'd better believe it, in the event of malfunction, and a hidden face is common when dislodged for corrective adjustments.

We would therefore be grateful to learn if the product on offer is a stairlift or a Westworld-style amusement park, so that we may consider further whether to take it or leave it before it is too late to hesitate



Derek and Dave Philpott



Dear Derek and Dave

Firstly may I say, I have no idea what you are talking about whatsoever! It seems on first reading that you have clearly been dipping into the special reserve Sherry far too frequently, or maybe even spending some of your well earned state pension on Kevin, that bloke from the pubs “special hand made cigarettes”,

What at first seemed like a genuine inquiry regarding one of our most loved songs quickly degenerates into a stream of consciousness that even Sigmund Freud himself would find difficult to unravel.

Your mistaken premise that our song “Temptation” is a jingle that is somehow trying to entice the general public into purchasing something is clearly absurd. As I’m sure you’re aware, a jingle is normally quite a short piece of music, in fact generally I would estimate under 30 seconds, whereas our composition is easily over four minutes; in fact there are times when playing live concerts that this particular song can last for as long as eleven minutes! Now I’m sure even you would agree, that is most certainly not a “Jingle”.

Your confusion meanders further down the road of absurdity by suggesting


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