Dear It Bites,

Re: Calling All The Heroes

Nana Philpott always said ''self praise is no praise''.

Excuse my impertinence therefore in pointing out that if any of your intended combatant recruits are wantonly comfortable with being referred to as ''heroes'' in the open forum of the pop charts (as opposed to ''people who only do what they hope anyone would do in the same situation''), it strikes me that the skirmish to which you refer may be little more than a vanity project fought by the self-deluded. It is also relevant to note that the summoning of ALL exemplars, genuine or otherwise, could be construed as foolhardy for the following reasons:

a) whilst Napoleon (a miniature hero) was championed by his followers, it is surely not unfair to assume that their enthusiasm was not shared by the opposing coalitions whom he battled.

b) To summon literally ALL the heroes could be construed as an ill-conceived strategy, especially were an unrelated emergency to occur simultaneously (such as, for example, that which would provoke ''Screaming On The Beaches'') at a time that your entire courageous person quota has been deployed ''high on a mountain'' some miles away. It is therefore recommended that, not unlike substitute teachers, a reserve percentage of ''supply heroes'' be held back for such an event, so as to ensure that resources are not overstretched.

Finally, by your own admission, It Bites, ''keeping friends among you saves a fight'', hence in order to alleviate intrepid recruit inter-altercations I would recommend that all potential warriors undergo a full interview prior to engagement.


Derek Philpott


Dearest Derek,


Thank you for your insightful, and impeccable logic. If I didn't have your email address I would swear these words came out the late, great, aggressive Aries Christopher Hitchens who would no doubt be offended at the inclusion of 'Aries' in my descriptions of him. But he's dead so **** it. I like astrology. It's completely illogical and I'm tired of all those Oxford university twats and their self righteous debating skills. I come from the Northern debating art, from the university of  "I'll kick your ****in' teeth in". We can't figure out grammar to save our lives but we can kick your ****in' teeth: in. This is why the upper British establishment choose us Northerners and our children to go off to war to die so they can make more money. We are cannon fodder of the highest degree. 

You see, I'm a Northern Englishman. We don't debate anyone, we simply knock the ****ers out cold. Those Oxford boys would last about four seconds in my school. They would be savaged and humiliated in front of the whole class, teeth knocked out, hair ripped from their heads, nose broken and a can of dandelion and burdock rammed right up their condescending arses before they had the chance to utter the precursor of all debates 'sir'. 

So I appreciate your logic but it doesn't work up north. The Northern logic says this; we all go together in a big gang and kick their ****in' teeth in and then we return in a big gang, find those who tried to sneak in the back door while we were gone and kick their ****in' teeth in. (Unless it was on the same day as a rugby league final).

The song itself is highly misunderstood. Most people think it is a story of good verses evil, whitey verses the darkies, Jesus verses Satan, Dr Who verses the black dalek or Cliff Richard verses Frankenstein. But the song is actually inspired by the lost works of the great Friedrich Neitzche which I was privileged enough to read at the university. In chapter two, aptly entitled 'clearly black lesbians shouldn't be allowed to drive' Neitzche clearly states 'if anyone tries to shag your bird you should kick his ****in' teeth in'. This sentiment was mirrored by Friedrich Neitzche's brother Barry who when asked about his highly suspicious relationship with his two camels said 'one is for food and the other is for fox hunting'. 

Many of the worlds great leaders have come through our university. Nixon, Stalin, Napoleon, Genghis Khan to name but a few of our most decorated. The latest being Vladamir Putin who at this moment in time was spotted drunk at a Stalingrad bus stop with a can of Carlsberg Special and a picture of the Isis leader singing 'your gonna get your ****in' head kicked in'. Donald Trump claims to have been an overseas student but there are no records of him at the university. 

I hope this helps you understand the world in which the song came from and what it means to so many Northerners. You see in the North we learned something very valuable, passed down from generation to generation. You can debate with your quick wit and your sharp mind, you can create intellectual pitfalls for us Northerners to fall into, you can out smart, out wit, out flank and out maneuver all of us at the same time, but at the end of the day, all of your studies and countless hours spent in books and debate will prove themselves useless. Because no matter what you say, we'll just kick your ****in' teeth in anyway. 

Right, that's it. I'm off for some spinach risotto and lemon lung pie. If you are a Northerner like me then I wish you a great day. If you are a Southern pussy then may your shit come alive and kiss you. 




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