Dear The Singer from Jesus Jones,

Re: Who Am I? Where am I? Why do I feel this way?


Thank you for your 'electro-industrial questionnaire'


(1) You are Mike Edwards, young man


(2) According to your Wikipedia page you hail from Bradford-on-Avon in Wiltshire, although I am afraid I cannot vouch for your present location, right here, right now. I would suggest that you perhaps enable the GPS services on your mobile phone, which can normally achived through accessing 'Settings' in the main menu, but please refer to the user manual for your particular make and model for specific instructions.


(3) Judging by your disorientation, manifested in feeling that it's someone else living your life, the real (real real) possibility cannot be ruled out that you have perhaps suffered a recent fall outside, at the outside, at the outside, at the outside...


Under the circumstances, Sir, one feels that to get your bearings and repair to the nearest A&E Department may be "The Right Decision". I understand that, from all around the world, the NHS employ many international bright young things who will be more than able to determine your current condition.


I wish you well



Derek Philpott



Dear Mr Philpott

Many thanks for your list of errors, albeit potentially helpful ones.I’m sure it’s not the last time my feeble meandering in the approximate direction of psuedo-Existentialism will be mistaken for the onset of dementia.

That leads me to your first mistake. I can surely no longer be referred to as ‘young man’ while receiving mailouts from Saga. One of those two aspects I object to, I’m just not sure which one yet.

Wikipedia isn’t awfully reliable, is it ? I suspect anyone featured in it could go through with an aggressive red marker pen and feel the need to tut loudly. I haven’t met the person who wrote the Jesus Jones Wikipedia page but history is written by the victor and unfortunately I have lost the Wikipedia war.

The rest of your letter has many notes that seem more familiar than the Wikipedia entry. Saga and early-onset dementia aside, I am glad to say I haven’t yet reached the doddering or falling stage and am quite capable of safely walking unaided and performing other mobility and balance-related tasks. These include, sadly, carrying my own guitars, something I’m sure I shall be doing at a venue near you soon.

Never a plugging opportunity missed.


Michael Edwards


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