Dear Katrina and the Waves,
One often wonders what is with you pop stars and your misapprehension that bodily weight can be carried by atmospheric conditions!
I tried to get in touch with Mr Jagger recently to enquire as to how a vaporous mass could sustain the bulk of an adult male and how one may be expected to get ‘offa’ it, and then Aled Jones, whose claim of strolling about on Oxygen seemed equally difficult to substantiate. In your own case we are at odds to comprehend how you may be taking a ramble on solar rays.
It would appear that, through excessive enthusiasm, you are preventing yourself from partaking in the experience that you are most impatient to indulge in, and as a result have potentially placed yourself in an awkward position, both literally and fiscally. Even if the virtual impossibility of unaided physical restraint is overlooked, your inability to reach your mail box could prove undesirous in the wallet department. One finds it difficult to fathom how you may physically impede yourself to the point where you are ‘held down’, as, even if partially successful, your ability to secure three of your limbs will always leave the fourth one free. If the self-pinioning is achieved you will not only be inexplicably missing out on your beloved ‘writing you he’s coming around' but there may also be other correspondance which requires your immediate attention. We have just recieved a PCN due to my brief over stay in Aldi’s car park two Thursdays ago which, if paid within 14 days was for the reduced sum of £35. If I had decided not to ‘go for the mailbox’ this morning then I would’ve been looking at a hefty non-discounted £70 with no grounds for appeal.
One would be grateful if you could ‘’shine a light’’ on this matter and will be waiting, untethered, by one’s own mailbox hoping for a swift response to this conundrum, as I don't want to spend my whole life just waiting for you.
Derek Philpott and Son
Hi Derek and Dave
How to hold yourself down:
Grab your left leg with your left hand and your right leg with your right hand (that's what it's all about)
Also install a glass front on your mailbox so you can check for important brown envelopes at the same time as preventing yourself from seeing if he's written you he's coming around.
How to walk on sunshine:
The surface temperature of the sun is about 6,000 degrees Celsius, so to walk on its shine you'd have to wear a well insulated boot and walk for a short time, which is why the next word is Oh oh! I didn't want impressionable fans to try this themselves so wrote a warning final verse which got edited out of the single version:
And just remember all you listeners don't try this at home
Cause the sun might singe your poor little feet to the bone
And to get 93 million miles you'd have to travel so fast
But in another thirty three years I can go there on my bus pass
We're walking on sunshine etc