Dear Lindisfarne

Re: Fog On The Tyne


I am ashamed to report that in my youth, after a skinful at the pub, I was caught short and had to relieve myself against the post office.

Rather the worse for wear, I found myself slippin' down slowly, slippin' down sideways just as sirens alerted me to the approach of the local constabulary. Although the copper could comprehend my flouting of the law resulting in the potential for a charge of public lewdness, thankfully there was no cause for me to run for home, running fast as I can (oh-oh); luckily I managed to convince the officer that I was merely looking very closely for opening times and had managed to drop my bottle of pop in the process. I’m sorry Lindisfarne, but with this trauma still in mind I don’t doubt that presently we will have a pint or two together but must decline your invitation to presumably ‘meet on the corner’ where we can have a wee wee and we can have a wet on the wall.


On an unrelated matter, Lindisfarne, I must heartily disagree. Irrespective of the fact that said abundance may indeed have accumulated above a river in your immediate location, I am quite convinced that any collection of liquid water droplets or ice crystals suspended in the air at or near the Earth's surface cannot be either purchased, bequeathed or stolen. Fog on the Tyne cannot therefore conceivably be all yours all yours under any circumstances.


I look forward to hearing from you in the near future, but as I have missed the last collection you are perfectly entitled to tell it to tomorrow.


Yours sincerely



Derek Philpott





Dear Mr. Philpott,


Thank you for your letter. All of us here at Lindisfarne Towers are sorry to hear of your unfortunate experience, and can sympathise – we all remember when we had our first pint.


Regarding your reference to the suspended airborne precipitation frequently encountered in the Newcastle area, its ownership has been a matter of dispute since Roman times. In the 19th century, various industrialists and mine-owners claimed ownership on the strength of their enhancement of the phenomenon, and attempts were made to nationalise it in 1948. However, by the late 1960s, demand had fallen, so my late colleague Alan Hull was able to claim it as his own without contest, and so it remained until his death in 1995 (despite an attempt by a local footballer to lay claim to it in 1990). Alan Hull’s undisputed




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