Dear Melanie

I am most impressed, if a little unnerved, to learn that you are aware that I dropped the immobilser to my Nissan Juke down a drain outside Sainsbury’s last week.

I do therefore have a brand new key but must sadly inform you that its only functions are to start the ignition, and to release the boot and petrol cap. I fear that it would be ineffectual when turned anticlockwise into a pair of shoes with wheels on, especially given that the only orifice available is likely to be the eyeholes which are most likely already to be filled with laces.

Upon this basis I feel that to get together and try them out, you see, would be futile

Although I do not mind that you skated to my door at daylight I would appreciate it greatly if you would not encroach into the threshold. We have just had some parquet laid and would prefer it not to be tarnished by rubber skidmarks that we may retort ‘’Look what you’ve done to my floor, ma’’.




Derek Philpott




Dear Mr. Philpott, 

You appear to think I have lace up boot skates. My skates go around the shoe or boot and you tighten them  with the key. With that in mind it looks like I don't need your key after all. 

As far as your precious parquet floor is concerned, the wheels are metal - they wouldn't leave black skid marks, just little grooves, which could add character to stodgy parquet floors.

I have been looking around a while, thought you had something for me. I guess I'll keep looking for someone with a brand NEW key.




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