Dear Mr Eric,

These days, when we are all concerned about global warming, most folk are very careful to reduce their carbon footprint in order to protect the environment. I feel compelled therefore to offer some advice regarding your intentions to circumnavigate the globe in order to meet your predestined life partner.


Given that your mother had intimated that your ideal suitor is situated either within a French Polynesian cluster or the West Indies we find it puzzling that you would go the whole wide world to find her rather than simply isolate your search to these particular territories. We were also concerned that your mother may be complicit in some sort of hostage plot, given that you state that you'd go the whole wide world to find out where they hide her, implying that the poor wretch has been kidnapped.


Furthermore we are quite perturbed by your ‘coldist’ tendencies which infer that attractive females are only to be located within warmer climes. By implication you are hinting that all Inuit women are, to use the slang of today's youth, ‘a bunch of mingers’, which I know is not the case. Also, Sweden's temperatures have been been known to reach as low as -62.7 degrees fahrenheit or -52.6 degrees centigrade and yet my friend Willy ‘won't he’ Wallace said that he saw the blonde one out of Abba promoting her new album recently and stated that he “still most definitely would’’. Obviously, as a happily married man, I could not possibly comment.

In summary (as opposed to summery!) I would recommend that there is a lot to be said for hanging about in the rain out here whilst being both ecologically friendly and not spending a great deal of your royalties on unnecessary travel and boarding.

I look forward to hearing from you in a year or maybe not quite.


Practical Derek



Dear Practical


Thanks for your letter. You raise several points that have given me cause for concern. I should make it clear first and foremost that I didn't actually circumnavigate the globe in order to meet said predestined life partner, merely stated my intention to possibly do so. I said I'd go the whole wide world, not I am going the whole wide world, as in actually undertaking the action. And in point of fact I met my predestined life partner in a pub in Hull so I think all things considered my carbon footprint remains undeniably and irrefutably intact. So as to speak.


I take your point that the lyrics of the song may suggest complicity on the part of my mother in a possible hostage/kidnapping plot but if you'd met my mother you'd know that she isn't the kidnapping type so that makes utter rubbish of your accusation.


On the subject of the blonde one in Abba, she's definitely a would. Not to be sexist about this (though I am myself a red-blooded male of course), in my dealings with the fairer sex I like to categorise the possibilities of entering - and I use the word entering in an advisory capacity - into a meaningful physical relationship into three or four distinct sub-categories: the would've (meaning I would have liked to), the could've (meaning it was definitely on the cards so's to speak regardless of whether I actually did or not), the should've (a missed opportunity - don't tell the wife), and the shouldn't have (self explanatory, no more needs to be said, and definitely don't tell the wife!)


So I think that absolutely proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there's nothing "coldist" about me! Given the chance of course I'd prefer to be girl-hunting, lady-killing, skirt-chasing etc somewhere warm and sunny rather than, as you say, and as I myself say (or sing!) or as the song says: in the rain out here, but we take our pleasures where we find them though I am, as are your good self too, a happily married man, so the point is moot.


I'm sorry it took me a year to reply to your very interesting correspondence. I think I've covered all points and fairly demolished all arguments and accusations contained in your letter which quite frankly takes an unneccesarilly belligerent tone. I don't know who the hell you think you are.


I don't know who the hell I think I am either. Are you sure you've got the right person? Someone else has been using my email address.


Just so you know - I'm going to have a lawyer friend I know in the music industry take a look at this reply before I send it.


I remain yours etc...


Eric (Mr) W


Nothing contained herein constitutes an offer, formal contarct or letter of agreement.







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