Dear Mr Heaton
I would like to congratulate you on your uncanny ability to predict certain events through your lyrics. Perhaps I should explain further.
A while ago, Olive’s cousin Sylvia was distraught when her albino rabbit Thor escaped. A search of the garden proved fruitless, and Sylvia’s thoughts were turning ominously towards the dangers of foxes and traffic. However, she then heard “Old Red Eyes Is Back” on the radio, and almost immediately Thor poked his furry albino head round her shrubs.
A short time later, our friend and neighbour Mike Molloy was encountering difficulties in his search for a practical, safe and reasonably-priced caravan. He then heard your “A Cappella” classic “Caravan of Love” and soon found exactly the right model at a bargain price. Mike is now the proud owner of a second-hand “Sprite Finesse”, and says that you would be welcome to join him and his wife Margaret in the New Forest at your convenience (although of course it would be impractical to invite “every woman, every man”, as it is only a four-berth).
“I’ll Sail This Ship Alone” appears to be a timely reference to the Wick Ferry which runs across the River Stour near Tuckton Tea Rooms and Crazy Golf. Prior to the release of this song there was always a friendly assistant checking the tickets and streamlining the process of river crossing, but due to cuts in council funding the ferry is now operated by one person only.
Finally, Olive and I once scored a “Perfect 10” in the notoriously tricky “Popular Culture” round of the Sunday Night Quiz at the Commodore pub. What had been on the radio while we were getting ready? Perhaps you already know, Mr Heaton!
I think you would agree that there is more than merely coincidence at work here. I am put in mind of an old schoolmate who could “smell” the future; I cannot recall his actual name, but he was known as “Nostrildamus”.
On a more serious note, may I respectfully suggest that you concentrate on writing songs about desirable scenarios, in order to maximise your unusual talent to the benefit of others. For example, Olive and I would particularly like to hear a song which predicts the reintroduction of the delicious and much-missed “Toffos”, or one about a more frequent service on the 1B bus route, especially at weekends.
Of course you are welcome to visit us at “Turnbull Towers” any time you are in the “Beautiful Southbourne” area. If you call first I will check that we have an ample and varied supply of biscuits.
Reply from Mr. Heaton received 13/7/2014
Dear Wilf, for sometime I've known I had this capacity to predict events, so it was with great excitement that I opened and read your letter.
You are of course correct that I cannily forecast personal happenings via the source of lyrical wizadry but I'm afraid you're mistaken in implying that I'm the only chart act to have done so.
The expensively trousered, yacht hopping fops, Duran Duran also had the ability to look into the lyrical crystal ball. Look no further than their massive hit Rio.
Just 18 years after the song charted, I met Rio Ferdinand on holiday in Malta and the lyrics 'I've seen you on the beach and I've seen you on TV' even shocked him when I sung them to him. He got so spooked out by it, that his wife called the police on the 4th or 5th occasion I sang it to him and to be honest I don't blame her.
Another regular fortune teller was my old chart buddy Michael Jackson.
He foretold several things that happened to me, including -Stranger in Moscow- when I went there accidentally after a few too many black cans which led to boarding the wrong train in Innsbruck, Billie Jean- obviously referring to my chance meeting with Bill Gates when I drunkenly mistook him for Billie Jean-King and, perhaps most perniciously of all, his 1988 hit Dirty Diana, which for a variety of reasons I can't go into on these pages.
Anyway I wish you all the very best and hope you both continue to have fun long after your deaths.
All the best