Dear Mr. Hendrix
Re: Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire
I hope that you will forgive me young man but I must politely decline your over-familiar request.
I sincerely hope that the first basis for my refusal is not construed as ‘un-PC’ or in any way derogatory against supposedly oppressed residentially unanchored minorities, but I was most alarmed upon a recent viewing of a popular Channel 4 reality show focussing upon the matrimony of members of the ‘travelling community’ to witness a betrothed second cousin dwelling within a fabric meringue, the marquee-like dimensions of which would almost certainly result in the collapse of my Toby Jug display cabinet were she ever to set foot within Jean's and my modest to sometimes cramped Malmo Surround situated lounge. For this reason I am particularly reluctant for you to be welcomed into said living area in order to enjoy warmth (by which I am referring to pleasurable calefaction as opposed to hospitality) for fear that you may be accompanied by one or more of your own band of gypsies.
Furthermore Mr Hendrix, although you state that you wish to situate yourself next to my fire, implying a left or right positioned adjacence which would place you either just behind my plasma television or in front of our telephone table and be perfectly safe if not more than a little disconcerting, I suspect that you are planning to assume an upright posture directly in front of it. This being the case you should be advised that even if adorned in high quality Winceyette apparel bearing the appropriate British Standard Flame Retardent Material Kitemark as opposed to your own highly ignitable ‘psychedelic’ kaftans and polyester frilly shirts, yours is an extremely inadvisable proposition which may result in a hiking of my already exorbitant household and contents insurance premiums in the event that you should flare (by which I am not referring to a single bell bottomed trouser leg so favoured by your ‘Flower Power’ followers, but actually catch alight) as a direct consequence of being within such close proximity of our fully CE approved illuminated coal and ribbon flame effect backdropped contemporary styled Colorado with tastefully brushed chrome trim. I hardly need add that in the present climate of rising energy costs, my wife Jean and I would be most reluctant to find our primary heat source obstructed by a rock star, especially in view of the often tax evasive salaries enjoyed by yourself and your ilk in direct contrast to our own comparatively meagre Civil Service Final Salary and State Pension derived gratuities. That said, it would appear that you have perhaps fallen on hard times given that you appear to have been reduced to using your electric guitars for tinder, although without wishing to appear rude it should be stated that given that said instruments are integral to your income, such kindling is foolhardly, equipollent as it is to a carpenter employing logs as fuel as opposed to fashioning them into a chest of drawers or kitchen work surface to be sold at a profit.which can then be used to purchase yet more logs or be put towards the payment of an EDF direct debit.
I hope that you will understand and appreciate the reasons for my non-acquiescence Sir; whilst writing and as by some way of recompense I am pleased to assure you that you have quite the fanclub in the Southbourne area. Indeed my Octogenerian next-door but one neighbour Gordon Gilliard does a bit of strumming himself and is considering putting together a comedy tribute band dedicated to you with some similarly aged pals, which he intends to name The Jimi Horlix Experience. Songs to be performed would include ‘Wheelchair Access Bold As Love’, ‘If 60 Was 90’, ‘Red Warden-Controlled House’, ‘Gallstone Free’ and Hey Joe You’ll Have To Speak Up A Bit My Hearing’s Not What It Was You Know’ and Gordon jokes that he can also play guitar with his teeth and them put them back in again.
P.S. Have you thought to direct your enquiry to The Crazy World of Arthur Brown?