Dear Toto

Re: Africa

My wife Jean and I used to be be avid enthusiasts of The Jerry Springer Show before it became a WWF offshoot. Our favourite part was always when the bald-headed gentleman was called upon to intervene after a difference of opinion between two guests that lived in caravans.

As well-honed as you all appear in the excellent 'promotional video' that accompanies your classic world's second-largest continent tribute, I hope you will forgive my questioning that separating you from another person is ''nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do''. Firstly, as previously implied, a burly security guard and several cronies at most should be more than sufficient to enforce such a detachment, besides which I am struggling to fathom how such a multitude of draggers could gain sufficient proximity to complete the division, unless of course it is to be achieved by them all puling on a very long rope in a straight line.

On an unrelated matter, I am rather puzzled that the swivelling of a senior citizen could in any way be interpreted as "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you", and yet you state that an old man turned to you ''as if to say'' this very statement.

I myself am a pensioner and just the other day had to swerve slightly to avoid some unbagged dog mess on the pedestrianised section of Old Christchurch Road, very nearly causing me to lose my balance. I would be very surprised if my canine excrement lurch caused any of the sniggering schoolchildren in attendance to suddenly interpret it as sign language that they should make haste on the basis that they are being expected by a very large landmass.

As much as we admire your splendid mastering of your musical instruments, Toto, we fear that your body linguistic skills may be slightly lacking



Derek Philpott

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