Dear Mr. Otway

I bought some slacks from Marks yesterday and when I got home Jean noticed that a bit of the hem was frayed so made me take them back

Whilst acknowledging that your mother is obviously a proficient seamstress, especially given the notorious durability of denim, and assuming that you have been wise enough to keep the receipt of course, one would therefore recommend that instead of her sewing your new blue jeans, you may be better advised just to request a refund or demand an undamaged pair

As for having one foot on the platform and the other foot on the train. my son recently showed me some mobile phone footage of someone in a similar position, called ‘Epic Fails 2013’. I would therefore suggest that you make a decision post haste!

I know that you are a very busy man but would appreciate a response to this missive when you are Really Free



Derek Philpott (and Dave)



Dear Dave and Dad

This is a very old song.


It would appear from your letter that you have been listening to animals and that your assumption that “my mother is obviously a proficient seamstress” is in fact completely false.


Back in the 1960’s there were beasts who were so desperate to be heard on the radio that they altered my mum’s occupation from “My mother was a madam, she sold those Harlem Queens” to giving her a sewing job she was crap at.


Similarly, My dad who needed a “suit ace and a trump” whilst playing cards was given an unsuitable piece of samsonite and elephant's nose.


The reference to having “One foot on the platform and one foot on the train” I believe is just a poetic way of describing an animal in a department store choosing what to wear having the choice of a balanchain and a pair of new blue jeans 







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