Dear Ms Quatro,

I was very much taken with your novel idea of a review of your last holiday experience set to music and wondered if it would be possible to ask you a few further details pertaining to 'The Dive'. I am obviously presuming ‘The Dive’ to be the central feature, probably a large water chute, within a family leisure resort situated on Devil Gate Drive.

 

Suzi Quatro:

ACTUALLY IT IS A LARGE WATER CHUTE DIRECT INTO DEBAUCHERY... EVERYTHING YOUR PARENTS TOLD YOU NOT TO DO.... THE SLIPPERY SLIDE , IF YOU LIKE , TO PLEASURE.

 

It seems that there are plenty of activities at the confusingly Satanic turnstile named complex, for children of all ages, with both dance (at the age of five they learn to jive) and karate (at the age of six they get their kicks) being particularly commendable. Any physical pursuits that make the little ones ''come alive'' and distract them away from video games consoles, tablet computers and Pokemon Go must surely be encouraged.

 

Suzi Quatro:

THE DAYS OF HONEST PLEASURE ARE TO BE HONORED AND PROTECT AS A DYING SPIECES..... NO TEXTS, NO VIDEO GAMES, NO FACEBOOK, NOTHING BUT HONEST PURE UNADULTERATED COMMUNICATION.. REMEMBER THAT!!!! ANGEL TO DEVIL.. ACT/REACT.. .HEAVEN/HELL..


One finds it somewhat disconcerting however that somebody’s mama don't know where their sister done go. Not only is this a pretty poor example of grammar for the youngsters; it also displays a lack of suitable adult supervision at the facility.

 

Suzi Quatro:

IT'S BEST IF NO-ONE KNOW WHERE HER SISTER DONE GO.. THAT MAKES THE FUN WORTH IT DON'T YOU THINK...SECRETS.. CAN'T BEAT 'EM WITH A STICK


Lastly, that when they reach their teens they get all mean is rather disturbing, implying, as it sadly does, the presence of alchoholic or potentially harmful energy drinks in the canteen or restaurant. Before recommending the park to family as a suitable alternative to Alton Towers or Butlins, we must ask - are you able to put our minds at rest as regards parental security, and ''can the cans'' be checked for undesirable contents?
We look forward to hearing from you regarding these matters

 

Suzi Quatro:

AND IN THE END.. THE FUN YOU MAKE IS EQUAL TO FUN YOU FAKE!!!!! A LITTLE LEEWAY, A LITTLE INNOCENT FLIRTATION, A LITTLE SLIDE DOWN THE BAD SIDE, BUT ALWAYS KNOWING THE WAY BACK UP.. JUST FOLLOW THE BUBBLES EH!!!

DEVIL GATE DRIVE.. YOU NEVER FORGET YOUR FIRST TIME.

XX

Yours


Derek Philpott and Son

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