Dear Mr. Gower out of Racey,

I am not so much concerned with the unspecified task that some girls do/don’t/will/wont’ in response to the degree of affection lavished upon them, as by your own personal health at this time. I recently tried to communicate to Mr. Astley that being too shy to say that one’s heart is aching could ultimately prove perilous, and I fear similarly for your good self.

Please allow me to ''lay my concerns on you''.

You state, after knowing that you've ''got the fever'' that you are facing an unspecified person -possibly a medical professional - in a state of disorientation with an unfamiliar sensation in the area of your cardiac muscle (the middle mediastinum, at the level of thoracic vertebrae T5-T8).

To compound matters further it would appear that out of understandable apprehension you are not standing still, and the GP or nurse is unable to complete her examination, leading possibly to outraged glares.

This is most certainly not the way it's meant to be, Mr Gower out of Racey, and is something we should talk about.

To summarise, if you are in front of a clinician, not knowing what to do, and your heart is feeling something new, nervously turning away from her will only impede a full examination and therefore prevent a swift and complete diagnosis of your symptoms.

You then divulge that you find the novel experience of being in the young lady’s company socially, perhaps bumping into her at a trendy wine-bar outside of surgery hours, has ''obviously'' caused you to ‘fall heavily’. I’m afraid, Sir, that you might be in denial of an inner ear problem, such as labyrinthitis or meniere's disease.

It is therefore recommended that you go back to the doctor’s and not be so fidgety this time so that the above mentioned condition and perhaps palpatations can hopefully be ruled out.

I look forward to your response to my findings and will, of course, just give you time to work it out.





Derek Philpott




Dear Mr Philpott,

Thank you for your letter dated 24th August 2016.

Regarding your personal 'non concern' with the so called 'unspecified task' that some 'May'or 'May Not' ,'Will' or 'Will Not', 'Do' or 'Don’t', I can assure you it has been a particular course of intense action over the years for myself to find out whether


1. They will or will not.

2. Might possibly consider it.

3) GO FOR IT !!!!

As for `Rick`…yeah I suppose he is a shy sort of a bloke…but don`t let Rick`s problem get in the way, or give you any concern over my good self…I`m fit!!!!…alright.

You state that you would like to `lay your concerns on me`…are you a psychologist?…I doubt it.

I can assure you that you should keep your 'concerns' to yourself…'cos no one 'lays anything on me'…unless it`s a few quid, or a page 3 girl…get it!

As far as my 'getting a fever' due to your misguided belief that I have difficulty facing, or even meeting other folks, and that somehow you consider it to be a possible cause of a stress factor to my good self…you then go on to say…it possibly puts me in a state of disorientation and could even cause a problem with my cardiac muscle…I believe Mr Philpott, that you are possibly the disorientated individual by being completely out of touch and unaware of my personal health condition, and indeed, of the correct muscle that possibly `gets a fever` If one 'Does or Does not'!!!

As for your `Summary` Mr Philpott, thank you for your somewhat misguided interest into my personal welfare and wellbeing regarding any supposed medical or psychological attention you think I may need, or require, due to any romantic feelings I may possibly have about someone. Please let me assure you, I do not need to see any clinician regarding any sort of diagnosis on these terms, especially in knowing 'what' and 'what not' to do on any given opportunistic situation that may or may not arise, or even that I have the good fortune to maybe 'come across'!

Any small talk that I may have offered, relevant to a novel experience re: a meeting, or being in the company of a young lady is merely fictional…I never concede to nervousness, especially if I am in a wine bar or preferably a pub, as I am generally 3 parts to the wind anyway! And as for your considered thoughts that I may possibly have an inner ear problem such as labyrinthitis or meniere`s disease etc, etc…the only time I possibly could ever have a hearing problem of any sort is when it`s probably my turn to buy the next round!

Well Mr Philpott, once again thank you for your opinions on my personal state of play and affairs, but as far as your recommendations and consideration are concerned regarding all of the above, and also that I should consider going back to my doctor for a second opinion of being fidgety, having so called palpitations, etc, etc, my somewhat limited educational response to you is…go get f***ed.

Kindest regards,

Yours truly.

Richard Gower -`Racey`



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