Dear Right Said Fred

We decided to have Fajitas for a change last night, Right Said Fred, and all was going well until Jean (''She's My Missus'') embarked on her second trip to the lounge, having already bought the chicken and tortillas in.. My wife is very agile on her feet and I often marvel at her adroit manoeuvrability, but sadly, despite the curves she got, Jean then dropped the side dishes and drinks on the way from the kitchen after crossing the path of our ten year old tortoiseshell Gladys, some might say ''on the catwalk, yeah, on the catwalk''.

Although the chilli rice and jalapeƱos were just about salvageable my clockwise aforementioned chums, the circular serving tray was unfortunately shattered, and, acutely mindful of the fillets going cold in the other room, we were forced 'Without Thinking'' to make do with scraping what was left in the fridge into ''Those Simple Things'', a couple eggcups. It was however, my easterly facing pals, soon made all too ''Obvious'' that ''It's Not The Way'' to present up sour cream, salsa and guacamole. Although the sharp point of each could be lowered in with ease, when either of us would ''Stick It Out', it was to find our Dorito dry, on account of its equilateral contours restricting all contact with the now elusive base of said breakfast receptacle.

It was therefore not without poignancy that your 'UK Smash' ''Deeply Dippy'', referencing as it did the very essence of our dining predicament, should then come on the radio in an advert for a local paddling pool company, prompting us to investigate your work further, Right Said Fred.

Although your declaration that you are ''too sexy'' for your love is not open to debate (especially after our just having watched 'Holiday Love Rats Exposed' on Channel 5 featuring various, shall we say, aesthetically mismatched youths and divorced retirees), one must take issue with several of your other over-abundant allurement assertions.

For example, I am bamboozled as to precisely how you are able to be too sexy for your shirt and hat, and will tell you what I think about that. Neither buttonable upper body garmentry and headgear are notorious for their competitive lustful provocativeness. It is, with regard to the former however, fully concedable that ''it hurts'' if either several sizes too small or is new and still has the pins in.

Also, unless there has been any recent tightening on immigration controls of which we were not aware, excessive sensuality or 'hotness' is unlikely at passport control to deny one access to Milan, New York and Japan*

Furthermore my dextral friends, my 70th was attended by, amongst others, my next door but one neighbour Gordon's grandson, who is currently under contract to the Damart catalogue people given that he is a model (''you know what I mean''), and as well as sharing your reticence to 'disco dance' on the night, has a great number of female admirers. I must therefore challenge your claim to be inordinately tantalizing for my, or indeed any party, bar perhaps, based upon their current Prospective Parliamentary Candidates, the SDP.

On grounds of common decency I am relieved to learn that you are unduly sultry for your cat.

On an extraneous note regarding 'Don't Talk Just Kiss' one sincerely hopes that you are not considering a change in career, Right Said Fred. The substitution of speech with such an over-familiar act could well prove troublesome in job interviews, especially for the posts of lecturer and schoolteacher.

I have to say ''Night Night'' now, chaps. For some inexplicable reason since looking at your pop videos Jean has decided that she does want a couple of boiled eggs.


Derek Philpott


*If you are in fact referencing the pop group Japan, my pop star friend Julianne Regan wishes to convey the following to you:-

''Yeh, in your dreams!''



Reply from Right Said Fred,  Received 10/4/15



Dear Mr Philpott,

It is with great merriment and delight that I am in receipt of your correspondence. That said, upon reading it I must add concern and consternation to my emotional menu.
I propose to respond to you in chronological order.

I fear any


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