Dear Sad Cafe

Re: Everyday Hurts


I potentially bring disturbing news, Sad Cafe, in relation to your perceived paramour, whose desertion has afflicted you with perpetual and alarmingly escalating discomfort. Judgement however with respect to the conjectural swain and your recent dereliction will be reserved pending the gleaning of further vital and profoundly pertinent data, as saliently detailed below:-


1) Pertaining to the lamplight from her window, please clarify, if you able, whether or not said fenestral luminescence was of a reddish hue


2) You openly testify that ├Żou came up (indicating elevation to a higher floor) to her room to question her, and find her sitting all alone, contrary to your expectations. As no reference is made in your splendid vocalist's 'yearning delivery' to the means by which the premises were accessed, please specify if entry was achieved by way of a doorbell, knocker, communal buzzer, intercom system, debatable utilisation of the ''trades'' button, or a partially or fully ajar street door. If the latter, as I grimly suspect, please verify if you witnessed a sign in the hallway featuring a diagonal arrow pointed to an upper level adjacent to the word ''Model'', perhaps hurriedly scrawled in heavy felt-tip marker pen


3) With regard to the young man across the street who looks something like you and is walking with his head down to the ground that you espied when you looked down from the window, please can you furnish me with the following specifics. Was the imperfect doppelganger of a sheepish mien, perhaps awkwardly pacing to and fro outside the tenement for some time as if summoning up the courage to cross the threshold? Were you of the impression that the youth was purposefully averting his gaze pavementwards in order to perhaps shield the exposure of distinct facial features from surveillance cameras situated on lamposts along the thoroughfare?


4) Would it be fair to state that there was a notable increment in police officers in the immediate vicinty of the apartment at around the time that your debatable inamorata had to go away?


5) Do you recall any of the vehicles in the surrounding locale travelling at a velocity far below the National Speed Limit and was any said transportation helmed by shifty and uncomforable looking personages?


6) Without prying too deeply into your intimate affairs, would you be able to confide if a telephone box had any role to play in your ''first date''?


7) Discounting any tokens or chattels which could be construed as standard fare within a burgeoning wooing, was there at any time an exchange of legal tender between yourself and your putative 'other half' and/or a guarded third party?


Upon collation of your feedback I will formulate my findings, but feel it only fair at this stage to warn you that they may not only be unpalatable but self-incriminatory.


On an unrelated note pertaining to your monicker, Sad Cafe, although it is perfectly understandable (although unacceptable) for the employees of a casual eaterie to be sullen, perhaps owing to being forced to hand over all personal tips to the proprietor, disputes over shifts and/or overtime payments, rude customers or a combination thereof, said despondency cannot be extended to the bricks and mortar itself. That said, my wife Jean and I agree this trading name to be pleasingly euphonic, and, during an idle hour this evening whilst waiting for 'Allo 'Allo to start on UK Gold, elected, with the help of our many 'facebook friends', to compile a list of possible aliases evocative of it, which we understand to be customary in the event that you ever feel inclined to perform a 'secret gig':-


Unhappy Restarant


Upset Coffee Bar


Distressed Greasy Spoon


Lacrimose Deli


Melancholy Bistro


Morose Carvery


Pee'd Off Pizzeria


Downhearted Buttery


Dejected Snack Bar


Teary Tea Shop


Woebegone Grill


Whingy Wine Bar


Desponant Diner


Mournful Luncheonette


Disconsolate Truckstop


Inconsolable Brasserie


Regretful Refectory


None Too Chuffed Chiringuito


Heartbroken Hot Dog Stand

We look forward to hearing from you shortly, Sad Cafe, and hope that our light-hearted segue is of some comfort during this stressful time.



Derek Philpott



Reply from Sad Cafe received 12/2/20014



Yo Wilf and Derek

Thanks for the tome-like enquiry on our illustrious sojourn into 'ShoBIZz luvvy' via the wonderful classic 'Everyday Hurts' (which was may I add was originally designed as an ad for the car rental company Hertz).

I read with awe the quizzical first paragraph, and thought to myself


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