Dear Messrs. Sputnik

Re: Love Missile F1-11


I am afraid gentlemen that you have placed me in quite a precarious position. At a family event last week attended by members that I had never met before, I was introduced for the first time to my second cousin's husband's niece, whom I established over a suspected Iceland-heavy buffet to be friendly with the former personal assistant to a retired NATO envoy. Obviously, I felt compelled to air my concerns relating to the lethal new weapon publicised by yourselves last week, which I chanced upon when logging into the Spotify jukebox and searching for the Formula One theme tune. As a keen humanitarian who prides herself on still keeping tabs on potential peace keeping initiative jeopardising military developments, Ms. Siddiqi was quick to express her surprise at never having heard of the concupiscent warhead to which you had referred, and commented that she found this especially confusing given that the juxtaposition of such a harmonious word with one synonymous with mass devastation presented a jarring paradox which she felt sure that she would have remembered at a Christening. She then appeared to be somewhat preoccupied during the font group photographs before leaving the place of worship at great haste, claiming an upset stomach which at the time I attributed to an only partially defrosted Chicken Zinger Slider.

I have however just this morning received a rather terse email from the newly baptised's father, who states that the actual motive for the ex-diplomatic delegate secretary acqaintance's sudden departure was for immediate and pressing investigatory enquiries to commence into the passionate projectile at hand, in order to pro-actively avert any crisis situation being considered to be instigated by an oppressive regime. Her preliminary report states that no records exist of an F1-11 model (the nearest contender being the non-ardent surface to surface Fateh-110) or, obviously when considering its unmanufactured state, any plans to ''shoot it up''. As an acerbic rejoinder, she adds that she has located your appearance on Top of the Pops which references U.S. bombs cruising overhead, and correctly posits that said airborne munitions should hardly be a concern given the allegiance that we have to our transatlantic cousins, but that in the event of our territories ever being at variance, sanctuary best be sought in a bunker or Anderson shelter in preference to an exposed Shepherds Bush entertainment complex, and that your ''look'' of large multi-coloured wigs, pink stiletto heels and distressed Satsuma bag-styled ''fright masks'', should be dispensed with in favour of more sombre costuming less likely to give away your position to the enemy.

As an aside, and in relation to your insinuation that prevailing styles are accountable for an increase in juvenile misdemeanours, I must myself counter that teenage crime is more likely to be resultant of lax parenting than the arguable assertion that ''fashion's dead'.

Thanks to yourselves, Messrs. Sputnik, I have now been strictly forbidden from panicking any further distant relatives cordial with previously employees of intergovernmental affiliation collectives at formal gatherings, by way of engaging them in conversational topics in any way connected to affection-generating related torpedoes, and would therefore thank you only to sing about listed armaments of yearning in the future, especially before my son's 50th.

I Bid You Good Day!



Derek Philpott



Reply from Neal X, received 1/7/2014


My Dear Mr Philpott,

I was most intrigued - and might I say mildly amused - by your missive of 22nd December 2013. Unfortunately I have reached the age where urgency is confined to matters of a delicate nature (hrmph) so please forgive the rather extended delay in answering.

I was most interested in the reaction, and


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