Dear Smokie

As you are probably aware, my smouldering substance gas originated chums, the 1970s and its accomplice the early 1980s is currently being investigated in connection to allegations of 'historical offences' as yet not focused upon Agadoo.

Therefore, and although attitudes towards accepted social decorum are admittedly ''Changing All The Time'', Smokie, it is hoped that you will ''Take A Minute'' to contemplate the points raised within this missive and ''Pass It Around''

One finds it a little alarming, for example, that you should indulge in potentially inappropriate behaviour with a ''Mexican Girl'' by way of perilously unacknowledging the possible hazards intrinsic to disregarding the language barrier between yourselves. So as not to have to ''Light A Candle'', I recently telephoned my, if you will pardon the pun, 'current' energy supplier, requesting that my payments, based on estimated readings, be switched to reflect actual usage. After a wait of fifteen minutes even though my call was important to them, I was then told in a very cheery tone by my 'customer service representative', an otherwise delightful Newcastlian named Emily, that I was actually in arrears in the sum of £360.71. I am therefore on very ''Solid Ground'', Smokie, in attesting that it is perfectly feasible for distressing news to be articulated by way of a beguiling enchantment. Ergo, it was most fortunate in your own case, that, oblivious to her statement and when you don't know what it means but it sounded so good that you kissed her, the consenting young lady, as opposed to would-be defendant, Juanita, was in actuality bidding you a fond Spanish farewell, and that ''Hasta La vista'' did not literally translate as:

''I think you are an O.K. Bloke but I strongly object to the concept of any physical contact with you whatsoever Mr. England music man, and if you insist upon advancing upon me in any way I will have no hesitation in calling the Policía Federal Preventiva''.

Similarly, your admission to be ''out cruising'' when you witnessed Carol walking your way, and then pulling over, could be misconstrued by a presiding magistrate, as could Alice evacuating an adjacent property without notice after nigh on quarter of a century without leaving either an explanation for her prompt departure or a forwarding address.

I sincerely hope that you do not mind my bringing these probable misinterpretations to your attention Sirs and, recommending that until Scotland Yard pick on the the next couple of decades you refrain from meeting anyone at midnight unless under formal supervision

I remain

Yours sincerely


Derek Philpott


P.S. Jean has called from the kitchen where she is making bacon sandwiches that in light of the smoking ban and current trends you might be better renaming yourselves''Vapie''!




Reply received 19/3/15 from Smokie's Representative, Spokesperson and Keyboard Player, Mr. Martin Bullard


Dear Mr Philpott,

I am bemused at your request for a discontinuation of the ancient practice of
Smokeying. My ancestors have enjoyed huddling round a warm cassette
machine while rhythmically moving to the sounds of those well loved three
chords and their offspring – the fourth one. You mention

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