Dear Spear of Destiny

I was most alarmed to learn from your orchestral pop classic that you are leaving on a fast train and reckon it's only a matter of time before the law kick in the door. I do hope that your good self and the rest of your fate lance foursome will forgive my suggesting that I would be very surprised if the police force were unwise enough to attempt to toe-punt a rapid locomotive, thus both likely causing both damage to said vehicle and/or ankle and foot injuries, whilst attempting to bring you to book.

It could of course be argued that they will never take you alive by virtue of the fact that the officers themselves have expired after losing their balance.

On the other hand, noting that you had to phone to let your Mother know that you had killed someone but are running out of change, it may well be that some boys in blue are putting the boot into a public kiosk, many of which around our way have been ironically converted into defibrillators designed specifically to stop hapless incumbents adopting that very hue. If this is the case, my divine pike friends, then although the entire scenerio is far less hazardous in a practical sense, your maternal murder confession via a BT box may be considered as, using the parlance of the young, ''not very Ninja''.

I remain

Yours sincerely



Derek Philpott



Dear Sir

I was put in touch by Derry from EMF who suggested writing to you.


Your letters have obviously solved many a political conundrum....


So it also I seems with my song 'Never Take Me Alive'... I Thank you for the time and effort.


.....Luckily the 5 train left and I became an Army Surplus Paddington Bear




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