Dear Spizz Energi
Re: Where's Captain Kirk?
Please forgive me for not replying sooner, Mr. Energi. I am fully aware that we have been ''facebook friends'' for some time but until now was under the impression that you were a promotional page for a drink targeted at tired people.
I am pleased to be able to advise you, Sir, that your search is nearly at an end. My wife Jean and I know of not one but potentially three gentlemen in such positions of authority who fit the description of the person that you seek, although one is admittedly an unlikely candidate to be your elusive quarry.
When the fancy takes us, my neighbour Wilf Turnbull and I like to head to the Tuesday Quiz Night at The Commodore on Overcliff Road, with my next door but one neighbour Gordon Gilliard and my erstwhile work colleague Willy "Won't He" Wallace. On account of our being perhaps viewed as a load of old dinosaurs by our younger competitors whilst consistently holding our own in the ''Spelling Bee" round, we have christened ourselves ''Tyrannotheasaurus Rex''. Other regular teams include a charming group of young nurses working at The Royal Bournemouth's fracture clinic ("Plastermind"), a local restaurateur and his amenable staff ("Starters For Ten"), a very pleasant family whom we recently established during a point-totting lull had just relocated to Southbourne from the West Midlands ("The Tipton Factor") and a rather unsavoury little faction of student-types smugly named "And Tonight's Winners Yet Again'' on account of their unbroken track record of dubious victories; their Head Honcho, Kirk ''Mickeypedia'' Michaels' perpetual tendency to answer calls of nature when a particularly tricky question arises in the 'Pot Pourri' general knowledge section, and then return to his fellow undergraduates with a massive grin spread upon his face does little to allay our suspicions that he is up to cubicle-based skullduggery of a cellular phone-related nature. If he is indeed the 'skipper'' that evades you, then unless you are a creditor or he possesses valuable information that would benefit you in some way, or property or chattels belonging to you that you are anxious to recover, then I am afraid that I have to question your judgement of character, for he is in my opinion a most disagreeable young man.
We also have it on good authority that the senior prefect grandson of our former Gala Bingo partners Alicia and Nigel Saxtonhouse, Kirk O'Donnell, is tipped to be School Captain at the beginning of next term, but would thank you to keep this under your hat for the moment and until such time as the appointment is made official.
A far more plausible, and actual commander would be the principle overseer of the Wightlink catamaran service from Portsmouth harbour to Ryde, which you have obviously utilised some point. I do admire your turn of phrase, Mr. Energi, in recognition of the welcoming introductory demeanour of the operator's cheerful staff upon their customers leaving dry land. I cannot find a record of the incongruously-monickered craft to which you refer, but we too were ''beamed aboard'', in our case, the 'Wight Ryder II' and shared your astoundment of our surroundings. Like yourself, we had pondered the spacious interior and generous legroom which did not seem possible when viewing the passenger raft from the dock mere moments earlier, but soon attributed these factors to exemplary architecture rather than a mental illness onset signification.
My wife Jean and I also met all of the crew and went on the bridge after asking one of the stewards if there was any chance of a bird's eye view of the Solent as the vessel left its moorings. Although the raised dual-hulled construction design renders such a carrier less susceptible to control room turbulence I think I am safe in stating that in the unlikely event of a whirling expanse of strait water capable of engulfing everything in the immediate surroundings to its epicentre, all passengers, as opposed to being tossed about (as was your own unfortunate experience) and then possibly ingurgitated, were more likely to have been asked to disembark the transporter and perhaps wait in the port's excellent Costa Coffee outlet enjoying refreshments until the vortex had subsided and calmer conditions ensued. On the day in question, however, the outlook was tranquil and Captain Bernard Kirk (ex-petty officer, retired), was, I am delighted to report, more than au fait with ''dangers of space''and took considerable care, by way of many finely-tuned turns, in safely manoeuvring the latest addition to the fleet out of the camber. I am not overly-familiar with nautical terminology but can only assume that I have misheard your ''proto-psychobilly'' recounting and you are actually referring not to warp but wharf factor during this meticulous departure.
Lastly, I feel I must point out that contrary to your bizarre claim at the end of the ''punk classic'', you cannot be the high-ranking helmsman who so politely ushered us onto the top deck for coffee before weighing anchor. I distinctly remember him to be impeccably turned out in full Navy-style regalia with a tasteful 'salt and pepper' short back and sides, as opposed to your black-clad spiked peroxide 'look'. Furthermore, assuming, rationally, that your current misapprehension became evident before the ''cult hit'' was penned, then, rather than continually questioning the current location of the person you believe to be the subject of your investigation, you are better advised to stand still for a moment and get your bearings before stating "I've Come To The Conclusion That I May Very Well Be Captain Kirk But Could Be Seasick At The Moment And Prone To Visual Disorientation Consistent With Said Condition''.
P.S. In the hopefully unlikely event that you are referring to Captain James Kirk, you appear old enough to know perfectly well that he is a fictional television character, besides which he has now been superceded by T.J. Hooker
Reply from Spizz Energi, received 15/12/2013
Dear Mr Philpott,
I read your letter with great interest as I too have been a former Pub Quiz Night enthusiast and I have also witnessed the contamination by the smart phone users at such gatherings.
As for Where's Captain Kirk? you quite rightly point out Captain James T. Kirk is a fictional character. However as a young man on long concert tours it did not take much to become disorientated and at times fact and fiction are easily muddled.
I do hope that reasonable behaviour returns to your future events and I wish you well in your internet endeavours.
(with thanks to Toby Woby)