Dear The Stereo MC's
Together with my neighbour Wilf Turnbull, I am arranging a surprise 70th for our friend Gordon Gilliard and, having recently heard of you whilst on hold to my network supplier, wonder if you will be available for the evening do, as we believe that having two disc jockeys either side of the dance floor, ie. Stereo MCs, instead of the conventional singular, is a novel and innovative idea, given that if one requires a 'comfort break' or even a vol au vent, the other can take over, rendering the 'boogie boogie' and 'shout outs' uninterrupted.
Under normal circumstances we would have approached 'Nothing Else Platters', just off of Commercial Road. However, although their main and suspectedly sole host Pete 'Goes On' Mallard is admittedly very good, his highly inappropriate 'moves' subjected upon the chief bridesmaid at a recent wedding reception in Westcliff during the fifth consecutive dubiously-sourced request for ''Horny Horny Horny'' have understandably tarnished his standing within the local community and arguably cost him many booking engagements. Also, Gordon is a keen enthusiast of Country and Western music, hence we think that your slogan ''to the left, to the right, step it up, step it up'', adapted to apply as line-dancing instructions pertaining to Achy Breaky Heart and Rednex would be a particularl advantage in securing your services in preference.
Prior to confirmation, the Pokesdown & Southbourne Ex-Service Men's Club committee are insisting on inspection of PAT Testing certificates and public liability documentation, and I regret to inform you that if "something aint right'' I will reluctantly have to book the busy-handed competitor in your stead. Written confirmation from your good selves to the effect that all extension leads and speaker cables will be secured to the floor by gaffa tape or other effective battening must also be forthcoming; the Entertainment Secretary has made it abundantly clear that the venue will accept no responsibility for any resultant injury claims submitted by peripheral staff or guests, should, to quote directly from your 'chilled rave tune', after a 'stumble you might fall'' if said trusses are flubbed.
You will hopefully be pleased to learn that there will be no need to ''reach up to the top'' when unloading, on the basis that the function will be at ''Ground Level'' and there are no stairs involved.
I am also trying to contact Mr. Beck as I understand that he has 'Two Turntables And A Microphone', and sounds ideal as a back-up if your equipment for any reason malfunctions.
Subject to your rates being reasonable Wilf and I would be more than willing to send you a non-refundable deposit once reassured that you are completely au fait with the mechanics of the U.K. postal system. Our wariness stems from your declaration that ''you cant send a forget-me-not'', markedly contrasting with the Royal Mail's terms and conditions, which clearly state that perishable items including flowers are suitable for despatch if suitably sealed to prevent leakage and able to withstand a journey of up to 48 hours.
We look forward to hearing from you subject to the above criteria being to your satisfaction.
Reply from Rob Birch received 16/7/14
Thanks for your letter and request for our dj spot.
Your extensive queries and demands left us kinda lost for words rather than "lost in music" but after reflection we figured your trying to strike a hard bargain so "I see through you" man
I'm definite we can