Dear Tasmin Archer

Re: Sleeping Satellite  

In order to encourage my wife Jean to bake something other than an admittedly proficient and delicious yet ultimately monotonous Victoria Sponge as the routine denouement to our bi-Sunday Roast, I decided on Tuesday to consider investing in a ‘Sky Package’, in order that I may subtly draw her viewing attention to Ace of Cakes on The Good Food Channel and introduce a hitherto absent element of variety into her home-made 'afters' repertoire. It was whilst ‘Ask Jeevesing’ for a suitable outdoor antennae that the ‘virtual butler’ made me aware of your 1992 chart-topper and it's unstable computer chair featuring ‘promotional video’.  

I am somewhat affronted by your personal admonishments Ms. Archer, first and foremost that you blame me for the moonlit sky and the dream that died with the Eagle’s flight. I think you will find that it is the sun and not I that should be censured, or, if you will pardon the pun, scalded, for fluorescing the lunar surface which in turn reflects said third party high temperature plasma induced illumination into our nocturnal upper atmosphere, and I can assure you that I had no part in the coaching of or qualification loophole which did indeed permit the farsighted Winter Olympian to dash our nation’s hopes of a medal in the Calgary ‘games’ of 1988 by dint of his last placement in both the 70 and 90 metres ski-jump events.  

I think you will also find that celestial bodies or objects launched into space to circumnavigate the Earth or any other space-dwelling mass are not imbued with consciousness and are therefore incapable of being prone to exhaustion or drowsiness, therefore it is not possible for them to doze off. If, however your employment of the word 'satellite' is to be interpreted in the context of a nation politically and/or economically governed by that of a more dominant neighbouring community or an interacting people located in close proximity to a large city, I will concede that a simultaneous and wholly collective nap is a conceivable if practically unenforceable scenario, but not one to which I would have any intention of apportioning irrational condemnation.

Overall I find your jaunty ‘poptune’ to be not displeasing to the ear and it has not gone unnoted that you may be related to my favourite middle-class farmers and peach-based aperitif distillers, but I will thank you to desist from penning any further odes to forty winking implausibilities.    

Yours sincerely  

 

Derek Philpott

 

Reply from Ms. Archer

 
Dear Derek

Thank you for your letter. I'm very disappointed to hear that you refuse to accept any responsibility for the accusations I have made. The evidence that you are indeed culpable is beyond question and by seeking to invest in a 'Sky package' you have been hoisted by your own petard.

 

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