Dear Tenpole Tudor,


It appears from your ‘’promotional video’’ that there are only ten of you, which, by my reckoning, adds up to 100 swords per person. I fear that such an excess of heavy weaponry each (especially considering that the enemy is by your own admission a mile away), combined with your already having imbibed a barrel or much, much more, adds up to a battle strategy that is not ‘’Wunderbar’’ at all!

 

Yours

 

Derek Philpott

 

 

Dear Sir,


There are a couple of important things I have to clarify before we get started.

 

1: There were actually only four of us in the band

 

2: Eddie "Tenpole" Tudor got his nickname after having had 10 polish blokes working for him on his new conservatory. (He's actually quite posh don't you know! )


Right, let's get started. The Swords of 1000 men conundrum. Unfortunately, you've jumped to the conclusion that every one of the aforesaid army would've been carrying a sword. That's your third mistake. As we know, most armies back then were poor farm labourers etc , and although they may have dreamt of owning a sword,the majority of this rabble brandished pikes and staffs ...or a cudgel if they had a few spare groats. By my reckoning, only the knights (who came along at the end of the day) would've realistically been carrying swords. Therefore, only a tiny minority would have, in fact, been overladen by the imagined sword problem. As for "much,much more" this was in fact the non alcoholic energy giving drink (a bit like today's Red Bull) Mushmushmor,brewed by the "baggage" (the jocular name given to the W.A.G.s by the soldiers.) Therefore,meeting the enemy a mile away would've been a piece of piss!

 

So there we have it. I hope this clears up any misunderstandings and next time you hear this wonderful anthem you'll see it in a whole different light....that of an accurate historical depiction.

 

Thank you for your enquiry.

 

Regards,

Prof. G. Long.(drummer)

PS. As for "Wunderbar" ... don't get me started!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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