Dear The Christians

Re: Ideal World

Whilst ‘flicking through’ my new Freeview ‘box’ today I happened upon Channel 22 quite by chance and quite obviously felt impelled to write to you.

The Christians, I am absolutely humbled. If pop music’s thusfar brief history has taught us anything it is surely that those of its proponents that lay claim to be able to soothsay (most notably Zager And Evans, Prince, and Busted) have been haplessly inept in comparison to your good selves, whose unimpeachably fastidious clairvoyance, released to the predominantly non-prognosticating ‘record buying public’ in December 1987, sagely foresaw the first transmission of one of QVC’s closest rivals (launched on 17th April 2000) by a harbinger sceptic silencing period of 13 years. In indisputable fact, not only was the televisual retail emporium itself but also many of its key characteristics uncannily foretold by the highly melodic augury.

As you correctly heralded, all spectators are now indeed ‘free to choose’ from a multitude of never to be repeated discounted bargains from, for example, stylish Raquel Welsh wigs hewn from fine, synthetic fibres, and Snore Wizard, all the way through to the ultimate waterless car cleaning product and Steve Whatley’s tan accelerator, Zhuzh, and, when an untimetabled blaze swept through the vending channel’s Peterborough studio on 6th March 2001, a sudden blackout did stop the show and the whole thing did disappear, as also eerily and soulfully prophesied.

Although Ideal World does not have a ‘catch-up option’ (presumably owing to stock and pricing issues), your veracious divinations continue with firstly a direct reference to a handy feature on their website where ‘we can start again’ by reviewing all products featured in the previous hour’s schedule, and secondly a recent episode at Philpott Place whereupon my wife Jean recklessly purchased a ‘Bricky Pro’, ‘Cricut’ and ‘Vergari Magnetic Knee Support’ all in the same month, at a total cost of £418.98; although this financial blow was softened by the utilisation of their ‘Flexi-Basket’, which enabled me to stagger the cost into three more manageable installments, I had to tighten my belt for some weeks as ''my money filled their pockets'', which led to some terse words in the household.

In recognition of your prodigious precognitive talents, one is tempted to suggest that you hawk your potential services to ‘Psychic Today’ (Sky Channel 886), given that with calls to all sibyls charged at £1.53 per minute plus network extras, the additional income could be a welcome augmentation to your existing popstar salaries. Sadly, however, this entrepreneurial advice is errant on two levels; your trading name may prove controversial and result in a slump in ratings considering its monotheistic connotations being in direct conflict with the esoteric theme of your prospective employer, and I also think you will find it problematic, as portended in your song “Hooverville”, convincing even the most open-minded patrons of an imminent town built entirely from vacuum cleaners.

Jean and I therefore wish you continued success in your sole occupation as ‘recording and touring artists’.

Amen to that!

Yours sincerely 

Derek Philpott

 

Replies from Henry Priestman, received June, June, July, July and August 
2014


Hi Derek...sorry for delay in replying.....been a bit crazy....new album out,
gigs, promo here at Priestman Towers in the last 2 weeks...it's all go!

 

 

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