Dear The Divine Comedy

In these times of something for nothing 'PPI Claims' and suchlike bogus offers, I was aggrieved to see you of all baritones jumping on the bandwagon on Absolute Radio this morning.

I fully concur, The Divine Comedy, with your observation that no means yes; I refused a seat on the 1c just last week offered by a young man in a Halfords uniform even though my sciatica was in full flow, on the basis that I did not want to be accurately perceived as a senior citizen. I think you will find however that although some sections of Society, such as the elderly or those on certain benefits, are entitled to fee-waived sight tests and vouchers to help cover the cost of lenses and frames (which qualify as a discount and NOT a transaction devoid of charge), heavily subsidised borderline complimentary spectacles are usually refused to most other N.I. contributors. Don’t be unkind, The Divine Comedy; ''Everybody Knows'' this and you are to be thanked for keeping your misleading gratuitous optical correction aid 'post Brit Pop croonings' to yourselves in the future - stating that glasses come free on the NHS is not only falsely raising the hopes of those whose earnings fall within the threshold of Personal Allowance for income tax purposes but conceivably catalytic of bellicose abrasions at doctors' receptionist's booth counters nationwide and, specific to ourselves, Vision Express on Commercial Road.

On an extraneous matter pertinent to your advert about the coach, I am quite confident that if my sentience were compromised by multifarious variegated pitfalls I would personally draw up a list of all setbacks and do my utmost to prioritise and address each according to its existence impacting magnitude. Unless purchasing a one way ticket to a situation of improved circumstances, one's temporarily shirked misfortunes, from which a fleer can admittedly distance themself both metaphorically and unfiguratively, could very well be at risk of exacerbation. If, for example, an outstanding debt with a pay day loan provider has been referred to bailiffs who have visited the property in one's oblivious excursion derived absence. Or, if in an instance of apprehension-fuelled absentmindedness the gas has been left on.

Your suggestion therefore that I take the National Express when my life's in a mess because it will make me smile is both extremely irresponsible and no laughing, or indeed grinning, matter.

Furthermore, some years ago I went on a beano to Brighton in a work colleague-filled charabanc, and, to lighten the mood on the return journey after perhaps a few too many tankards of Worthington E on the pier, attempted to initiate a comradely rendition of 'Three Hundred Green Bottles', only to find myself the only employee in full voice, followed by being instructed by my erstwhile foreman Willy 'Won't He' Wallace to 'put a sock in it Philpott' when only 11% along the wall. I was then temporarily ejected at Chichester Services. Therefore, contrary to your choral exhortation, you will hopefully excuse me countering that from personal enforced forecourt alighting experience it is preferential that nobody sing whilst the single-decker is in motion (as also laid out under Section 8, paragraph 1 of the referenced operator's General Conditions of Carriage which clearly prohibits behaviour which causes discomfort, inconvenience, damage or injury to other persons).

I am also befuddled as to precisely how a feeble old dear, a screaming child, a student and a family man manhandling a pram could possibly be construed as 'all human life' (I have passed my concerns onto David Attenborough), and how, if the jolly hostess is the unfortunate bearer of a posterior of the principality-scaled proportions that you infer, she has managed to prise said nether quarters into a Scania K340 cabin measuring a mere 12.8 x 2.55 metres and not been previously brought to my attention through the medium of Channel 4’s 'Bodyshock' documentary series.

Notwithstanding the glaring disparities above-outlined, Jean and I, on the whole, ‘love what you do’, The Divine Comedy, and consider you to be the best turned out pop star we have encountered since the equally very clean Mr. Clayderman, and vocally on a par with Tony Monopoly at his peak

Well Done!

Yours

Derek Philpott

 

Reply from Neil Hannon, received 25/8/2014

 

Dear Derek,

 

Thank you for your letter. I am sorry if some of our songs contain certain statements or analogies that you consider false or misleading. Please let me assure you that we take your comments very seriously, and that

 

To see Mr. Hannon's full response click here to pre-order your copy of ''Dear Mr. Kershaw - A Pensioner Writes''

 

 

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