Dear The Human League

Re: Louise


Not unlike Ken Dodd’s 1987/88 Tax Return, I am afraid that your song has been reviewed and has been found to contain inconsistencies.

We need to ascertain whether Louise was attending a pre-arranged meeting or if the fellow who saw her getting off the bus did so merely by chance.


If the former, one would question the need for the chap to hurry out after bolting his hot beverage and fondly apprehend her before she walked away, as, if the rendezvous were planned in advance, such an oblivious retreat on the part of the young lady would be unlikely. Similarly, the cafe-fleeing gentleman’s opening greeting to his former suitor, along the lines of ''Hello Louise, do you remember me?'' would surely be superfluous if the ‘face time’ had been pre-scheduled.


If the latter, one is at odds to comprehend the reason for the girl’s journey; unless the second boarding was of an interconnecting nature (which if she were headed to an air or sea port would certainly explain the suitcase on the floor) it appears as though Louise has left the first bus, wandered away - and then got back on another one from which she waved as she went back home again. In this scenerio, one wonders what the actual purpose of the trip was prior to it transmutating into a freak ex-beau reunion. If it was for food shopping, for example, or perhaps an excursion for the aforementioned luggage to be repaired - perhaps a stuck zip or fraying handle - one finds it discombobulating that the return journey should be empty handed and hungry or with a still hampered holdall


We look forward to hearing from you within 28 days in order that our files may be noted and the (''suit'') case resolved.





Derek Philpott and Son




Dear Mr Phillpotts

How tickled I am that you should choose to take a keen and fervid interest, not only in the further discombobulated (your term not mine) literary meanderings of my colleague and dear chum; pop singer Phil Oakley out of The Human League, but also in the historic tax evasion (or is it 'avoidance'?) issues of the legendary comedian Ken Dodd,
resident of Knotty Ash, Liverpool and self proclaimed 'King of the Diddymen'. No doubt, similar questionable tax affairs pertaining to Jimmy Carr and other celebrity 'comics' of repute will be of great interest to you also?

Anyway, I digress. However you should choose to obtain some sense of self gratification in what is an inequitable and unjust world is your own business I suppose, albeit at the expense of some other poor blighter's misfortune.

In answer to your query, which although utterly pedantic in nature, does pose one or two unanswered questions for the song lyric and taxation enthusiast. May I offer the following observations:- If, Mr Philplot, you had paid as much attention to the lyrics (or is it words?) of the song in question, as you do to the taxation mishaps of Mr Dodd et al, then you would perhaps have noticed that, as to whether or not the said 'Louise' was en route to a pre-arranged meeting or not, would probably have been purposely left in doubt, as this information would have been considered of little or no relevance to
the lyrical story, -something akin to the 'profit & loss' declarations on a celebrity comedians tax return form.

So where, you ask, is our 'Louise' en route to? Well, in the words of late astronomer and taxpayer Sir Patrick Moore: "We simply just don't know!"

Had we at least some indication as to what the destination board on the front of 'Louise's' bus had read, then we may have been given some idea. But alas, there is no information of that nature to be gleaned from the songs words (or lyrics), neither is there any indication of the period in time when the 'event' took place. Should this 'incident' have taken place during the late 1970's for example, and the destination board atop the bus had read; 'Nowhere', then we might assume that 'Louise' was boarding, or alighting from the Sex Pistols tourbus, joining them on their notorious (or is it infamous?)
'filth and frightfullness' anarchy tour around the UK. "Enough of electronical synthesisers and Chicory Tip", she'd be saying to herself. "Punk is the new fashion now, and I must move with the times!"

Anyway, never mind all this bollocks; Knowing taxpayer and pop singer Phil Oakley as I do, I can allude to the fact that he




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