Dear The Human League

My professional background is one of proofing and desktop reproduction. I have always been male and have never served drinks on licensed premises. Neither do I believe that we have ever been formally introduced.

Are you sure that you have the right person?

You also have my assurance that were you to ''Dare'' to select, vigorously convulse and then revolve me whilst in the discharge of clientèle aperitif distribution, I would have no hesitation in reporting you to the Police Force. I am quite confident, The Human League, that the Crown Prosecution Service would agree that my being picked out, shook up and turned around by an anthropoidal guild in the workplace would be in the public interest to pursue, and that, once steadfast, its mind cannot be ''changed back'', irrespective of presumed communal regret.

On a possibly related matter, given that such establishments are often popularly bedecked in such reflective surfaces, I keep feeling agitation at your heralding the imminent arrival of the mirror man, who is presumably on his way from the ''Warehouse'' (not to be confused with the home of your previous keyboard player). It is not the speculum consignment per se which concerns, but his proclamation to be a ''people fan''. Assuming that the gentleman is not nonsensically referring to himself as a colony enthusiast, one finds it disturbing in this day and age that delivery drivers are so meagerly salaried that they feel compelled to take on second jobs manually ventilating socialising patrons to prevent them from ''Being Boiled'' in poorly air-conditioned bistros.

I look forward to any spokesperson for your biped alliance ''Coming Back'' when they have a few ''Seconds'' to spare.

I remain

Yours sincerely

 

Derek Philpott

 

 

P.S. My wife Jean has just pointed out that for many years she mistakenly thought you to be named ''Mangue',' on the basis that she had never thought to pick up your ''Hysteria'' album in record shops and look at the back. She now reasonably points out that matters could have have been made much worse had you been called ''Humbug Lager''

 

P.P.S. Or Untold Fidgit

 

 

Reply from Jo Callis, received 7/4/2015

 

 

Dear Madam (or Sir)

Why, oh why oh why must I continually be taken to task concerning the ill advised historical transgressions of my former colleague Mr P. Oakley of Sheffield, S.Yorks.

As I have explained at length on countless occasions to the BBC, the CITV, the IRA, the NME and

To see Mr. Callis' full response click here to pre-order your copy of ''Dear Mr. Kershaw - A Pensioner Writes''

 

 

 

 

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