Dear The Human League

Re: Louise


Not unlike Ken Dodd’s 1987/88 Tax Return, I am afraid that your song has been reviewed and has been found to contain inconsistencies.

We need to ascertain whether Louise was attending a pre-arranged meeting or if the fellow who saw her getting off the bus did so merely by chance.


If the former, one would question the need for the chap to hurry out after bolting his hot beverage and fondly apprehend her before she walked away, as, if the rendezvous were planned in advance, such an oblivious retreat on the part of the young lady would be unlikely. Similarly, the cafe-fleeing gentleman’s opening greeting to his former suitor, along the lines of ''Hello Louise, do you remember me?'' would surely be superfluous if the ‘face time’ had been pre-scheduled.


If the latter, one is at odds to comprehend the reason for the girl’s journey; unless the second boarding was of an interconnecting nature (which if she were headed to an air or sea port would certainly explain the suitcase on the floor) it appears as though Louise has left the first bus, wandered away - and then got back on another one from which she waved as she went back home again. In this scenerio, one wonders what the actual purpose of the trip was prior to it transmutating into a freak ex-beau reunion. If it was for food shopping, for example, or perhaps an excursion for the aforementioned luggage to be repaired - perhaps a stuck zip or fraying handle - one finds it discombobulating that the return journey should be empty handed and hungry or with a still hampered holdall


We look forward to hearing from you within 28 days in order that our files may be noted and the (''suit'') case resolved.





Derek Philpott and Son


Dear Mr Phillpotts

How tickled I am that you should choose to take a keen and fervid interest, not only in the further discombobulated (your term not mine) literary meanderings of my colleague and dear chum; pop singer Phil Oakley out of The Human League, but also in the historic tax evasion (or is it 'avoidance'?) issues of the legendary comedian Ken Dodd,
resident of Knotty Ash, Liverpool and self proclaimed 'King of the Diddymen'. No doubt, similar questionable tax affairs pertaining to Jimmy Carr and other celebrity 'comics' of repute will be of great interest to you also?

Anyway, I digress. However you should choose to obtain some sense of self gratification in what is an inequitable and unjust world is your own business I suppose, albeit at the expense of some other poor blighter's misfortune.

In answer to your query, which although utterly pedantic in nature, does pose one or two unanswered questions for the song lyric and taxation enthusiast. May I offer the following observations:- If, Mr Philplot, you had paid as much attention to the lyrics (or is it words?) of the song in question, as you do to the taxation mishaps of Mr Dodd et al, then you would perhaps have noticed that, as to whether or not the said 'Louise' was en route to a pre-arranged meeting or not, would probably have been purposely left in doubt, as this information would have been considered of little or no relevance to
the lyrical story, -something akin to the 'profit & loss' declarations on a celebrity comedians tax return form.

So where, you ask, is our 'Louise' en route to? Well, in the words of late astronomer and taxpayer Sir Patrick Moore: "We simply just don't know!"

Had we at least some indication as to what the destination board on the front of 'Louise's' bus had read, then we may have been given some idea. But alas, there is no information of that nature to be gleaned from the songs words (or lyrics), neither is there any indication of the period in time when the 'event' took place. Should this 'incident' have taken place during the late 1970's for example, and the destination board atop the bus had read; 'Nowhere', then we might assume that 'Louise' was boarding, or alighting from the Sex Pistols tourbus, joining them on their notorious (or is it infamous?)
'filth and frightfullness' anarchy tour around the UK. "Enough of electronical synthesisers and Chicory Tip", she'd be saying to herself. "Punk is the new fashion now, and I must move with the times!"

Anyway, never mind all this bollocks; Knowing taxpayer and pop singer Phil Oakley as I do, I can allude to the fact that he, along with many of his 'pop' peers, is a very well versed self-delusional fantasist, -an all important vocational qualification for the aspiring
pop song writer and performer, and that our Phil would have simply just made up (inconsistently in your opinion) the whole sorry tale, from out of his mind.

The 'stage' for the tale would most likely be set in what was formerly Pond Street bus station in Sheffield (S.Yorks), -a location Okey would often frequent, to sip coffee and feel sorry for himself on occasions such as a record by, say, The Duran Duran going a bit higher up in the pop charts than a Human League one (bastards!). I'm also sure that the male protagonist in the song must almost certainly be of Yorkshire descent, -Louise or no Louise, the stingy bastard wasn't going to let that coffee go to waste, and certainly not at £2.50p a pop (pun intended, -bloody good eh?), -and that's just for a 'medium'
crappacino, not even a 'large' 'un!

So, there's our Phil, sitting in his self imposed gloom, simmering with subdued rage, -probably because Kadgergoogoo were now the new pop sensation and nations favourites. -He then hears a faint voice in the distance, -perhaps an omnibus traveller calling on a friend or relative, or perhaps a driver shouting after his 'clippie'. (Both PAYE); "Oy, Louise!, that's our bus just pulled in", or similar. Then, in a flash of blinding inspiration, everything comes together in Oakleys head; the bus station, the now tepid cup of coffee, the name 'Louise'. Yes, That's it! He thinks to himself, instead of wallowing in self pity I'll write the words (or lyrics) to a pop song, made up
out of all this stuff and nonsense, such a pity that I neglected to bring a pencil and notepad with me. Now I'm not saying that this is exactly what happened, but it might go some way to explaining the loopholes in the plot, or 'inconsistencies' to which you tediously refer, it may also shed some light on the 'inconsistencies' of Mr
Dodds dubious tax submissions, what with him also being imaginatively
creative with the English language.


There you go then! Double whammy, two fer the price o' one, two in the bush! etc. Although, with all said and done, should there possibility be anything in your query worthy of paying the slightest bit of attention to, and in spite my misgivings as to your ability to grasp the existentialist nature of Mr Oakley's (or is it 'Okey's') tale of 'brief encounter', then you may have hit the nail on the head in your deduction that said Louise's journey was of an 'interconnecting' nature, mostly because of the fact that our
'lyrical' story is bookended by the eponymous 'Louise' getting off and on buses! ...Unless of course she just nipped off the bus for a pee (or is 'Jimmy Riddle' better?) whilst it picked up passengers during a routine timetable stop at Pond Street bus station? But that would open up a multitude of confusing possibilities, wouldn't it though?

I can only hope, Mr Phiplott, that the above explanation is to your satisfaction, and goes some way toward demystifying the post modern construct that is "Louise", both song and person. In the unlikely event that you should be the slightest bit interested, my take on 'the story behind the song' is as follows:- There's this bloke's hanging about drinking coffee in the bus station for no apparent reason, when he spy's a former childhood sweetheart (or, ex bird) getting off a bus. He decides he quite fancies his chances again and dashes out to 'renew acquaintances' and give her his 'chat'. Following their 'brief encounter', the bloke obviously thinks he's 'well in there' and 'on a promise' with 'Louise', -but I reckon she's having none of it, and was just being polite. Anyway, she's on her way to Barnsley to move in with someone she met at the Top Rank (or was it Romeo & Juliet's) three weeks ago past Friday, and 'our bloke' is on a hiding to . . .


Out of interest. Does tax evader Davros (creator of Doctor Who's Daleks and father of celebrity comedian Bobby) claim disability benefits, what with him being in that Dalek wheelchair thing? Bloody liberty if you ask me!

Yours Insincerely

The Human League (Mrs)

ps. Fyi, btw etc. Suitcases, suitcase repairs and frying handles are all tax deductible items under current HMRC regulations, if used primarily for purposes of work.


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