Dear The Inspiral Carpets
Re: Dragging Me Down
''I would search this world for you, even though you can't imagine
I wanna take you to China, I wanna kiss you in Rome
I'd use rocket ships, mine sweepers, transistor radio receivers''
I write as a matter of extreme urgency, plasma rugs, and must insist that you fight any irresistible force and abort your foolhardy and no doubt highly expensive mission, which, contrary to your claim, I am capable of envisaging, forthwith.
I am not sure ''How It Should Be'' that you have secured funding for this proposed expedition to me, celestial mattings, which sounds both extremely costly and convoluted, but can assure you that a lot of money can be saved in circumnavigating the Earth in your myself quest by my disclosure to you that I reside in Bournemouth.
This revelation, stellar druggets, should hopefully alleviate the necessity to deploy expensive space ships, naval war vessels and wireless transmissions to establish my position. Indeed, celestial textile coverings, irrespective of my current whereabouts I hope you will forgive my observing that your mode of exploratory transport is probably not the most expedient given that rockets are best reknowned for travelling in an upward trajectory vertically through and not horizontally or diagonally across the sky. As you are no doubt aware, galactic runners, Dorset is not located in the upper atmosphere, and, given that the distance between Oldham and my home is 260 miles in a north to south linear direction, I think you would be better off getting a coach. Arguably, astronomical loop piles, it is technically feasible that your projectile could remain in stationary orbit above the planet and wait for it to rotate several degrees before re-entry and descent, preferably close to the Pier, however were you to miscalculate the plummet even fractionally, your intended splashdown could conceivably occur on dry land, perhaps on The Pavilion or Harry Ramsden's, whereby your gratuitous desires to break every bone of everybody in sight may well be granted.
I will have no part in this, star surfacings, and to this end have just conducted some investigatations on your behalf and have established that Megabus are today quoting the very reasonable fare from Shudehill Interchange to Bournemouth Train Station of £155.00 for five passengers. Upon your arrival, I suggest a light lunch at The Moon In The Square on Exteer Road , so that I may ''Find Out Why'' you are pursuing me.
I am afraid however that I must decline your offer of an excursion to the Orient, and intense clinching amongst other unwarranted intimacies in Italy's state capital on the basis that I am very happily married and cannot recall where I last had my passport.
Finally, as regards your preposterous allegation that I am dragging you down, binary tufted weaves, I can most confidently assure you that at no time have I ever attempted to wrestle you to the floor, as evidenced not only by the fact that we have, to the best of my knowledge, never met, but also on account of my ongoing sciatica which would render any ground level grappling endeavours extremely inadvisable (and, for that matter, possibly futile, given your Farfisa organ player's solo assertion that ''you can't keep a good man down'')
If, you are agreeable to this compromise I would be pleased to make the necessary arrangements in order that your loneliness may be curtailed
P.S. My wife Jean has just remarked from the kitchen where she is making rock cakes that our recent prize of a 'Dirty Harry' box-set at The Polkesdown & Southbourne Ex-Service Men's Club raffle really was a Clint Boon!
Reply from Tom Hingley Received 23/8/2014
I feel drawn to reply to your missive , although I am no longer with the fore said Inspiral Carpets , I did write the words to which you are reacting and can inform you that
a) I am currently on the docks in
Many thanks for your recent letter of concern. We hope this reply finds you well and also goes some way to putting you and your wife's minds at ease. We feel there has been a grave misunderstanding here and one, no matter how sensitive to some the subject matter may be, we will clarify shortly.