Dear The Korgis

We are just settling into a new home, my near-preferred Monarchical domestic pet monickered friends, and ''It Won't Be The Same Old Place'' until ''The Way I Feel'' is a lot warmer.

There were several ''Burning Questions'' raised on our Homebuyer's Report, The Korgis, mainly concentrating on the inadequacy of the central heating system. However, together with my wife Jean, yours truly was so determined that "I'll Be Here" by Easter that we foolhardily disregarded our solicitor's advice over a ''Cold Tea'' to demand a reduction in the purchase price to reflect said neglected aquastat, substandard ventilation and sticky switch.

''That Was My Big Mistake'', my misspelt stumpy legged canine homaging pals, for immediately upon moving in the boiler conked out completely. To make matters worse, and spurred on by your advice on Magic FM at the time, I decided to try and save on mounting moving costs - being bought up on rationing “I Just Can't Help It''- and install a new one myself rather than engage the services of a qualified CORGI (as in officially industry recognised as opposed to Royal dog overseen) engineer.

Needless to say, The Korgis, and with no such expert professional to ''Work Together'' with and "Show Me" where my stopcock was after my ''Third Time Around'' the exterior of the property, and finding there was ''Nowhere To Run'' the flue through without the appropriate heavy duty tools, I was forced to resort to a reputable local contractor to undertake the work properly.

It was only whilst watching Danny ''The Pipes. The Pipes Are Cooling' Boyd's dexterity in the near ''Silent Running'' of his copper tube fitting and unit mounting today that I realised the glib perfunctoriness of your tenet ''Everybody's Got To Learn Sometime''. It was patently obvious from the intricacy and deftness of his work that young Daniel's skills were beyond those of a mere layperson and could not be mastered periodically at an indeterminate point. Indeed, it could even be argued that the craftsman might have been latently or genetically predisposed to his vocation and been descended from a long line of plumbing specialists.

Ergo, to employ a similar principle, one finds it extremely doubtful that Mr. Boyle would be so adept at performing successful cardiac transplants, or, for that matter, that pioneering surgeon Dr. Christaain Barnard would be so competent in fixing a Worcester Greenstar 241 Compact Combi into our airing cupboard.

It is for this reason, The Korgis, and coming as I do from a printing background, that I must decline your credo to study so as to change my heart, whether it be via an adjustment to my existing one or a full replacement. I can further assure you that even were I to attempt such an operation (and its success, I agree would ''astound me''), I would most certainly not ''look around me'' but instead be concentrating all efforts towards my thoracic cavity.

I further regret to inform you that your need for ''my loving'' akin to solar radiance must remain unrequited for I have been happily married to my wife Jean for many years. That said, I am quite confident that your somewhat more restrained enquiry "Can't We Be Friends Now" could possibly be responded to in the affirmative, commencing perhaps with a small snack at an ''Intimate'' eaterie equidistant to the both of us. I would ask that you are not tardy once a time has been agreed upon as there is little I abhor more than being kept in silent abeyance. No one likes to be one of the Dumb Waiters!

I look forward to hearing from you

Yours in anticipation

Derek Philpott


Reply from The Korgis, received 8/5/15


Dear Sir,


We (The Korgis) would like to thank you for your letter. We are sorry to hear of your plumbing problems and do hope that they were resolved with the help of Mr. Boyle. Frankly we are surprised that he is still plying his trade, what with the success of his



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