Dear The Passions

Re: I’m In Love With A German Film Star


Based upon numerous lyrical clues inherent within your seminal ‘post-punk classic’ we think we have established the identity of said Central Western European silver screen celebrity.

Although admittedly we are not aware of any amiss attire at the time, in press interviews he has never struck us as a show off. Crucially however, his portrayal of a real troublemaker (a persona reprised later playing a Nazi and a James Bond nemesis) lead us to conclude that the Deutsche dramatist that you once saw resting in a corner in imperfect clothes attempting not to draw attention from cameras and females must be none other than Christoph Waltz circa his role as the devious protagonist Tristan in 1982’s Fire and Sword (Feuer und Schwert – Die Legende von Tristan und Isolde).

Irrespective however of who the Teutonic thespian is, your outright declaration of love as introduced by Simon Bates on national television could be interpreted as, at best, 'a bit clingy’ (marking you as a cause for concern at film premieres amd competition winner ‘’meet and greets’’) and, at worst, grounds for an injunction as instigated by the half Viennese A-Lister’s ’people’.

It may be a bit late now but it is recommended that in order to avoid the above-mentioned scenario the piece be re-recorded as ''A German Film Star - He's Alright, He Is''.




Derek and David Philpott

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