Dear The Wonderstuff

Re: The Size of a Cow

Allow me to get straight to my "beef".

My friend and former work colleague Willy "Won't He" Wallace recently treated his wife Doris to a surprise second honeymoon in Paris, returning with a trembling lip and faraway look in his eye 'this beautiful camera full of memories' and not in actuality a possibly corrupted Panasonic HDC-SD41 compatible 64GB MaxRam micro SD card filled to capacity with unopenable non-supported encoded content unrecognised and therefore non-displayable by his correct codec ignorant 'budget tablet'.

Another acquaintance, Peter Devereux, whom I have kept in touch with since school and who now lives in Aylesbury, has just learned that his four bedroomed semi-detached is unfortunately sited directly on the route of the proposed HS2 Rail Link and is to be compulsorily purchased by the Local Authority at 20% of the current market value, which will only be able to secure, at best, a 'studio apartment' to contain himself, his wife and her elderly mother, and four hyperactive leonbergers

Whilst there was nothing I could offer in the way of help vis a vis Peter's shrunken residence predicament, having neither the knowledge or experience in such matters, I had no option but to “let him down gently” by positing various reasons why ‘downsizing’ may well be to his ultimate advantage, such as reduced utility bills and a lack of sciatta aggravating topiary duties. Wally, on the other hand fared considerably better given that, thanks to my new Lenova Thinkpad, I was able to convert his files and upload onto “youtube” seven joyous minutes of him taking his clearly delighted but somewhat dazed spouse through the Eurotunnel and up the Pompidou for the whole world see

My point, The Wonderstuff, is that hindrances can only measured in relation to the ease with which they can rectified. However, if you are insistent upon continuing with this metric-defying docile ungulate / predicament classification system then I may be able to be of some assistance. Together with my initially recalcitrant wife Jean, I have this morning prototyped for your future bovine sticky wicket geometric ratio calibrations 'The Cattle Conundrum Calculator'. Painstakingly engineered from a Peradon Snooker and Pool Scoreboard (rendered expendable to modification since our billiards table was chopped up for firewood owing to inadequate spare room cueing apace) and carefully scissored printouts from Farmer's Weekly, Hoard's Dairyman, and Agriculture Today, the player who broke pointer (top) can be moved to a handwritten quandary and the opponent who took the next shot counter (bottom) can be forefingered parellel with it below, adjacent to a photograph of the livestock specimen that the gravity of the dilemma is equivalent to. At the risk of sounding obvious, the bigger the problem, the bigger the cow.

The scale. obviously in ascending order, appears as follows:-

Problem Cow
25 Year School Reunion unresolved bully issue (Amiable)   Zebu 
Deodorant spray / hair lacquer confusion  Australian Kyrhet
House keys left on hall table (spare set with neighbour)   Friesian (common = ordinary black and white ones)
Slow puncture on bicycle American Beltie (Miniature Cookie)
Bus driver large denomination note fare altercation Lowline Angus
Library Flatulence Milking Dexter
Saturday morning recorded delivery nudity dilemma.               Black Baldie
Incorrect ID at Santander account opening  Grad-wohl
Incoming relative bereavement phone call whilst entering train tunnel Red Kentshire
Browser history birthday present surprise diffuser  Pie Rouge des Plaines
Mislaid debit card at Tesco automated check-out   Hereford
Close acquaintance unattractive newborn infant photograph inquiry Montbeliarde
PCN windscreen interface Texas Longhorn
Teetotal driver borderline alcoholic work colleagues restaurant bill negotiation Glan
Beetroot spillage on pastel coloured shag-pile carpet Maine-Anjou
Zanussi malfunction immediately prior to four crate Iceland delivery Happy Mountain
Work laptop in home window sill condensation pool short-circuit Blaarkop
Housekeys left on hall table (neighbour with spare set on two week holiday) Belted Galloway
Gas permeable toric lens inversion realised during crucial job interview Pinzgauer
25 year school reunion unresolved bully issue (heated) Welsh Black
Accidental passport bleaching one day before Easyjet check-in Irish Moiled
Dinner party unexpected nut allergy face inflation Abondance
Ruby wedding anniversary spousal mind slippage Holstein
Marriage ceremony 'just cause or impediment' silence breakage French Simmental
Cliffside property subsidence Brahman
Long distance lorry driver breathalysed after being drunk a thousand times Kingshire
Lost winning Euromillions ticket on eve of bankruptcy hearing Volderwald
Pierced cruise liner hull (stationary) Four Breed Grad-wohl
F.A. Cup referee basic game rules amnesia Barbee
High ranking politician infidelity Murnau-wedenfels
Left on microphone at United Nations delegation Limousin
Ping-pong 'friendly'victory over crazed military dictator Northern Finncattle
Pierced cruise line hull (mid-journey) Five Breed Grad-wohl
Universal Bill of Human Rights contravention Chianina
Third World War Belgian Blue (aka Supercow)


I am sure you will agree that this ready reckoner will act as an ideal domesticated female ox breed / “opportunity for a solution” formulaic aid. Indeed, so taken am I now with the whole concept of popsong sliding scale working models that I am now mulling over two new quantifiers, namely “The Bee Gees Love Depth Indicator”, ranging from surface of water (phone call returning) to seabed (church wedding), and “The R.E.M. Frequency Enquiry Unit”, which at this stage is admittedly little more than a dial operated analog Robert’s Radio and a copy of The Daily Mail Sunday Supplement, turned and recited respectively by my long-term bingo partner, Kenneth Horton-Bowles

Thanking you the inspiration

Yours sincerely

Derek Philpott



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