Dear Toyah


Re: I Want To Be Free

 

Although sorry to hear that you are bored, Toyah, I am also astonished. If my memory (which is admittedly not quite what it was) serves me correctly, then this is the first occasion on which I have had to write to a popstar pointing out that the very capacity that they are hankering after is not only already congenital to their present comportment but jeopardised by the superfluous hijinks that they are desirous of executing.

 

To put it another way (or Toyah-tologically speaking!), you are free but your ‘action plan’ could well get you locked up.

 

Before I elucidate upon said heretofore maintained desiderium sabotaged schism however, I must bizarrely state that your reluctance to go to school and be somebody’s fool could be both simultaneously and discordantly justified and unjustified for the following reasons.


Unless a tutor, invigilator, dinner lady, headmistress, substitute pedagogue, caretaker, other contractor or employee, or open evening invited parent or guardian, your class attendance at age attained 23 at the time of your UK number 8 ‘chart placing’, a full seven years after pupils are required to cease lessons or GSCE Testing, could be construed, in the parlance of today’s youth (without reference to the afore-mentioned Examinations), as an ‘Epic Fail’ and label you the dullard that you so yearn not to be dismissed as.


If, on the other hand. you were to be above categorised and are experiencing job dissatisfaction or fear of reproachment by proxy on account of your errant charge(s), then your disinclination is entirely understandable.

I do, conversely, wholeheartedly acquiesce in your rambunctious bellow exclaiming that you still have 'a brain up there’ if you dye your hair on the basis that my GP, Dr. Trivedi, brusquely informed me when I called him in the middle of his afternoon session just now that the British Medical Journal has not recently featured any neurological trichological fusion articles melding synthetic scalp filament tincturing to cerebral extraction, and could I please not phone him again during surgery hours, unless in the case of a genuine emergency.

In view of your current self-imposed quandary, I, with the assistance of my wife Jean, who has just returned from step aerobics and before preparing drumstcks for dinner, have drafted, in order that you will hopefully remain incarceration free, ‘The Wilcox Warranted or Wanton Wall Chart’ or, if your current marital status is to be acknowledged, ‘The Fripp Felonious or Fair Fact-Finder’, an outline of which we present below for your consideration in an attempt to sustain your skewed whim whilst keeping you at large. This ‘at a glance’ guide, which, once honed, can be printed off immediately and sellotaped around your estate. will hopefully act as a handy and effective liberty preservation aid.

 

Here is the prototype for your approval:


Proposed Caper

''I'm going to turn this world inside out’’

Probable Outcome

Although bemused as to the machinations of such a magma-exposing globe crust reversal manoeuvre, the good news is that it is unlikely that you would be custodially punished. The downside however lies in the ineluctable certitude that this is wholly due to the legal system nominated to pass sentence, as part of all life on the planet, being expunged courtesy of your environmentally-unfriendly brouhaha. A further dyslogistic impact of your Earth surface flip would be that your craving for that very element that by the virtue of your unique birth differentiates you from all else, ie., ”to be you”, would be nullified by your own self-inflicted expiry.

Proposed Caper

''Going to turn suburbia upside down’’

Probable Outcome

Again, whilst at a bit of a loss as to exactly how collective districts on the outskirts of cities or towns could to be inverted at a gradient of 180 degrees, it is to be not unreasonably surmised that a successful multi-residential tract tilting could result in a lengthy ‘stretch’.

Proposed Caper

‘’Going to crawl through the alleyways, being very loud’’

Probable Outcome

On the assumption that your sonorous walking on all fours buffoonery is not between narrow rows of houses that you own set within grounds boasting sufficient acreage to inhibit the hands and knees cacophony being carried to the ears of the local community, you may well find yourself subject to an ‘Anti-Social Behaviour Order' (ASBO), which, if breached, could lead to tagging, and, if disruption to the peace of residents in-built up areas continues unabated, ‘a spell in the clink’

Proposed Caper

“Going to walk the streets, scream and shout”

Probable Outcome

Substituting a horizontal meander with a vertical amble, this time in front of said premises (or retail outlets) as opposed to passageways to the rear, see previous probable outcome.

Proposed Caper

“Tear up the carpet and get rid of that”

Probable Outcome

If you are proposing to uproot your own woven floor covering in your own property, so long as it is disposed of in a responsible manner, you should remain unfettered. Non-permission granted lower surface textile matting strippage within the dominion of another however, such as, for example, a stranger’s pied- a-terre or a DFS showroom, and/or fly-tipping the dislodged tailored rug, could entail a stay 'At Her Majesty’s Pleasure’.

Proposed Caper

“Tear down the wallpaper”

Probable Outcome

Substituting dense fabric layering, a horizontal area and DFS with a decorative sheet,
vertical area and a branch of Homebase, see previous probable outcome

Proposed Caper

“Blow up the T.V., blow up the car”

Probable Outcome

The inflation of a novelty pool toy in the synthetically fashioned simulacrum of a vehicle or a television, or the digital enlargement of an image of said items utilising 'software programmes' such as Microsoft Paint are not autonomy imperilling. Actual entertainment system and saloon or hatchback detonation will 'equal pokey'.  

 

Proposed Caper

 

''Sell all the magazines''

 

Probable Outcome

 

Newsagents shop proprietary is actually a lucrative and admirable endeavour, allowing as it does the ensuing profits from the sale of one's stock of current publications to be re-invested into the enterprise whilst concurrently enlightening and intellectually stimulating the general collective. If, however, you are contemplating periodical purloining, by way of the elicit removal of  ‘glossies’ from, for example, a Dentist’s waiting room or a registered vendor, such as Cazip Food and Wine on Charminster Road, please anticipate ‘bird’.


Proposed Caper

“Turf out the cat”

Probable Outcome

Although domestic pet eviction is not penalisable per se, if it can proved in a court of law that, perhaps in the course of prosecution by the R.S.P.C.A under Sections 2 and 4 the Animal Welfare Act 2006, your feline abandonment knowingly exposed the hapless creature to predators, leading to injury or worse, in extreme circumstances you could reasonly expect to be ’taken down’.

Proposed Caper

“Pull down the abattoirs”

Probable Outcome

Although arguably viewed as a principled deed in many quarters, slaughterhouse demolition, unless sanctioned by the carnivore appeasing profiteer(s) could find you ‘in the slammer’.

 

Hopefully you will observe that, in the majority of instances, your celebratory shenanigans will ironically be consummated by that which you are exalting being removed. Given that you are obviously a very intelligent young lady, “it’s a mystery to me’’ that this jarring paradox has not been previously considered.

If it is any small consolation, internment would at the very least insulate you from the peak-based electrostatic discharges of your ‘follow-up’.

We await your feedback

Yours

Derek Philpott (with help from Jean Philpott)

 

 

Reply from Toyah received 3/3/2014

 


Dear Mr. Philpott
and your patient helper Jean Philpott (who I imagine looks somewhat like my old gym mistress Miss Boare),

I apologise for my ranting on the 1981 three minute diatribe called I WANT TO BE FREE', a rant against the

 

To see Toyah's full response click here to pre-order your copy of ''Dear Mr. Kershaw - A Pensioner Writes''

 

 

 

©2009-2014 Dawson-Rice | Website designed with the splendid help of Oast One.