Dear XTC

As I keep telling you pop stars, I have mobility issues owing to ongoing sciatica, which, amongst other hindrances, discourage me from leaving my chair once settled unless absolutely essential. Although I do not necessarily consider myself to be a Royalist per se, one does recognise the courtesy of observing etiquette by unseating for the National Anthem (so long as it is not by Radiohead) at formal functions, even if it does make the old joints groan a bit.

I do  however draw the line at being, politely or otherwise, instructed to be upstanding for the Mayor of Simpleton, XTC, especially given that:

a) I see no justifiable reason why any high ranking civil dignitary overseeing the province of the dullard should be cause for getting to one's feet in celebratory reverence,


b) I can find no record on Bing Maps of any such ward, the closest being Singleton in the Lavant valley, just north of Chichester on the A286 to Midhurst. Even the most cursory investigation into said near namesake reveals however its Chief Magistrate not to be any of your post punk power pop personnel, but a Councillor John Martin

On a slightly related matter, XTC, although nepotism is not an ideal that I would normally endorse, if you are indeed the dignitary that you profess to be, I think it a bit of a poor show that you have refrained from pulling a few strings in elevating young Nigel to a position of authority within Local Government rather than having him settle into a lifetime of steel production.

In conclusion, and if you do not mind, I will most definitely remain on my laurels until your nitwit terrain symbolic magistrate co-ordinates and credentials, and indeed why they are worthy of plaudits, are forthcoming



Derek Philpott


Reply received 20/11/14



Dear Mr. Philpott,

Ah, Mr. Philpott. Regarding your recent communication, it appears that his worship is unable to make contact via the computer link you have provided. Which, bearing in mind his reputation, is nothing out of the ordinary.

We trust the local health authority is providing you with adequate help and care viz. your mobility issues, and we wish you a speedy recovery.

Yours sincerely


T.F. Witt,

pp. Simpleton Borough Council





With thanks to Rob Beckinsale


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