Dear Yazz

Re: The Only Way Is Up

I was sorry to hear on Wave 105.2fm this morning that you appear to have fallen upon hard times and sincerely hope that I am able to be of some little assistance, both in an advisory and nutritional capacity.

On the minus side, unfortunately, I am unable to share your optimism pertaining to the ease with which you may locate to alternative lodging if forced to vacate your current abode. As any other keen viewer of 'Can't Pay, We'll Take It Away' will doubtless vouch, your statement that ''if we should be evicted from our homes we'll just move somewhere else'' may sadly not prove as straightforward as you clearly seem to anticipate, particularly if your disbarment is a corollary of rental or mortgage arrears. The moral fibre associated with one so resiliently eager to unseat themselves on the grounds of devoted emancipation is not an attribute to be insouciantly pooh poohed. That said, Yazz, to ''Stand Up For Your Love Rights'' in a hearing focussed upon a tenancy agreement breeching or defaulting resident is, I fear, unlikely to deter any presiding magistrate from applying a County Court Judgement or deciding it to be ''A Fine Time'', culminating in bad references which could significantly hamper the securing of substituted accommodation.

With regard to your nescient and commiserable bewailment concerning your lamentable ignorance of where your next meal is coming from however, my wife Jean may be able to assist. Although we may not ''have a hot one for you'', if you do not mind taking pot luck, there is in the fridge, if you will pardon the pun, a 'Cold Cut' of gammon left over from last weekend's Sunday joint that we were only going to chuck out tomorrow. If you really are that hungry we are quite happy to ''hold on'' if it ''won't be long''; you would be most welcome to it if you do not mind picking it up and promise to bring the tupperware back afterwards.

We hope that we have been of some assistance and, in conclusion, respectfully confide that, in recognition of your ascent exclusivity view, we think it best that you never consider a career change from pop star to any of the following occupations:

Lift Operator 


Commercial Pilot

Bungee Jump Instructor


Deep Sea Diver


Multi Storey Window Cleaner

'Experience Day' Hot Air Balloonist

Tower Crane Driver


Grave Digger

Truffle Locator

Fork Lift Truck Operator


Olympic Ski Jumper

Submarine Crew Member

Eiffel Tower Tour Guide




Stair Lift Installer

Trapeze Artist or Juggler


Independent Financial Adviser or Stockbroker

We would be grateful if you could also please forward this advice on to your synthetic compound community


Derek Philpott


P.S. With regard to your potential housing quandary and if you are not objectionable to the idea that you have ''Got To Share', it may be worth getting in touch with Heaven 17 (Official) on the popular networking website Facebook, as I understand that they are currently looking for someone to come live with them.



Reply Received From Yazz 9/2/2015



Dear Derek (and Wilf)

Mmm, firstly apologies for the delay in reply.


I just knew however, that you would hold on, oh, I repeat hold on long enough to receive a reply to your considered opinion of my career and its possible change of profession. Life can be hard and bring with it


To see the full Yazz response click here to pre-order your copy of ''Dear Mr. Kershaw - A Pensioner Writes''








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