Dear The Steve Miller Band

I was refererrd to you by Top of the Pops 2, as I am looking for a close-up magician to perform at Gordon Gilliard's granddaughter's wedding in November.

I have a few reservations however which will need to addressed prior to making a full booking.


Firstly, given your assertion that every time I call your name you heat up like a burning flame, I was wondering if I could address you by an alternative, possibly stage, monicker (such as ''The Space Cowboy'', ''Maurice'' or ''The Gangster of Love'', perhaps) when telephoning you to confirm parking arrangements just before the event, in order to avoid your combustion when picking up the receiver. Furthermore, after saying ''Abra-abra-cadabra'', could we please have it from you in writing that you will not reach out and grab any of the guests, but instead move on to the next table to perform the next sleight of hand, as we fear that your intended over familiarity would not be acceptable in such a formal setting.

Finally before the booking can be finalised, some finer points regarding outfits are required to be 'ironed out'. Clarification as to who is to be bedecked in silk and satin, leather and lace, black panties with an angel face is required, owing to ambiguity within your Dave performance. If it is indeed to be your own stagewear, pleased be advised that suits, shoes and handkerchiefs tailored from the materials outlined are perfectly commendable. However seraph emblazoned undergarmentry, if one must, will only be acceptable if covered, preferably by a pair of smart trousers

I need not add that should these requirements not be adhered to on the evening of the engagement in question, there will be no opportunity for you to ''take the money and run'', as payment would be in the form of a  stoppable cheque.

I sincerely hope that this letter reaches you right there, right there, right there, right there at home as soon as possible, in order that we may address these points and hopefully ensure that youg Ellen's big day will indeed be ''Something Special''..





Derek Philpott




Reply from Greg Douglass received 16/9/2014


Derek et al:

I am not Steve Miller. Let us get that much clear immediately. I am much poorer, have far less talent, and am immensely better-looking than the mysterious Mr. Miller. I did, however, work with Steve as a part of his band for



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