Dear Mr. Generator

Re: A Plague Of Lighthouse Keepers

I recently heard your ‘progressive rock opus’ in a programme about very bad weather in the water, and, although aurally impressed by it’s segued ‘movements', felt compelled to correct you with regard to the central premise of the work.

I very much hope that you will concur that quite a large bulb housed within a tower designed to point out dangerous land and sea divergence, fiddly reefs and safe harbour entrances, is to all intents and purposes a worthwhile asset within the realms of coastal Health and Safety. Indeed ‘Eddison’ and ‘The Family’ aside I cannot at this moment in time think of a bad example of a lighthouse.

Your slur therefore upon said illuminated hazard alerting citadels, viz a vie the insinuation that they are janitored by deadly infectious disease, is totally unacceptable. ‘Lighthouse Keeper’ is a career choice, Van, and not a viral pest primarily carried by rodents and spread to humans via fleas. I must say that I find your occupational slander to be unconscionable, and if you must insist in bringing your current concept of illness/job songs to their farcical conclusion, may I suggest that your next ‘offerings’ be entitled ‘A Minor Head Cold Of Quantity Surveyors’, ‘A Pandemic Of Occupational Therapists’, ‘An Influenza of Management Consultants’ and ‘A Radical Outbreak of Landscape Gardeners’, and have done with it.

That said, Olive and I did used to enjoy the 'rock show' ‘fronted’ by the man from the razor blades adverts on the television, and found your 'demo tape' which used to preface each edition to be most jaunty.

We wish you well in your future career.

Yours sincerely

Wilf Turnbull

Reply from Mr. Hammill:-

Dear Mr. Turnbull,

(or should i say ole!?)

In all serious-otherliness you may have mistaken my meaning.

The plague of which we speak is not, in fact, an illness, but a gathering.

As in:

a pride of lions,

a murder of crows,


a plague of lighthouse-keepers.

I'm very glad to shine a light on this at last.

Van, of that Graaf-ness.


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