Dear Howard Jones

Re: Like To Get To Know You Well

 I am flattered but surprised, Mr Jones, at your direct and rather forward approach. I have discussed the matter with my wife Olive, and we have decided that you would be a welcome visitor “chez Turnbull”, on the following condition:

That you abandon the practice of keeping your body-popping sidekick chained up in a box, only to emerge during your musical offerings, such as the above. As you may be aware, slavery was abolished in all British territories in 1834, and it is certainly “bad form” for potential acquaintances to indulge in such practice. It is perhaps ironic that you urge your listeners to “throw off your mental chains, woo-hoo-hoo” during the admittedly catchy “New Song”, while simultaneously coaxing a servile performance from your gimp-like captive.

However, once you assure us that your cohort is treated as an equal, you will be warmly welcomed.

In answer to your enquiry “What is Love?” I am able to inform you that it can be defined as “an intense emotion of affection, warmth, fondness and regard towards a person or thing”. As I appear to have mislaid his address, please could you forward this information to “Haddaway”, who I believe has recently formed a duo with Dieter Scheidt, the well-known Austrian DJ.

I hold your musical output in high regard, Mr Jones, and look forward to your response. I would also like to know of any special dietary requirements you have, and request that you provide us with a reasonable period of notice. Please note that Wednesday evenings are inconvenient. In addition, perhaps it would be possible to bring your marvellous “electronic keyboard”, and give an informal concert after tea in our living room, although the sideboard will need to be relocated.

Yours sincerely

Wilf Turnbull


Reply from Mr. Howard Jones, received 7/1/2014


Dear Mr Turnbull,

I am most pleased with your decision to make me welcome at Chez Turnbull  and to "Aimez faire connaissance avec vous bien". However the conditions you propose are most unwelcome. We live in an age of freedom of expression and I feel to burden Mr. Hoile with the


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